Alternative Tolkien - Ayn Rand

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Ayn Rand:


Smeagol writhed in corruption, his lifelong attempts to collectivize the Hobbit economy had twisted his soul and body and brought ruin to the Shire. "Precious," he muttered. "Precious collective good giving according to need." He shuddered at the thought of the unbroken individual standing proudly over a conquered plain with the Ring, and felt jealous that the wholesome power could not be his.

Alternative Tolkien - Kurt Vonnegut

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Kurt Vonnegut:


All this happened, more or less. The war parts, anyways, are pretty much true. One guy I knew really did turn out to be a king. Another guy I knew really did threaten to take the Ring from me. "I want," the guy said to me, "that ring."

An awful lot of people were awfully keen on that ring. Here is what the ring everyone was so keen on looked like:



And it was created by a dark lord who had some big things planned for Middle Earth. But all that comes later. First of all, the guy who tried to take the ring never got it because a bunch of orcs came ripping through town and stuck him full of arrows like a big treacherous pincushion.

So it goes.

So I guess you could say a hell of a lot of blood was spilt over this ring in the end. Men were killing orcs and orcs were killing men and men were killing men and there were these two girls that wanted to fuck the same guy, and trees were flooding wizards out of their big phallic towers.

And so on.

After a lot of scrambling around someone bit that ring off my finger. So you can imagine the difficulty I have jerking off now.