FYI

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As I've stated several times before, I am not the author of the Alternative Tolkien bits I've been posting, but only the collector. They came off different venues and chats a few years ago. I collected them for my own amusement, and have been posting them lately because I thought others might get a kick out of them.

Alternative Tolkien - Ogden Nash

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Ogden Nash:



There’s the ring that comes in a Cracker Jack box, which only costs you half a dollar,
And there’s the ring you find in laundry that lingers around the collar.
There are rings that come with diamonds that are used plight one’s troth,
And there’s a ring round planet Saturn – or is it Jupiter? – or possibly both.
But whatever ring you have, there’s one type of ring that admits no tomfoolery
And that’s magic jewelery.
For as soon as you put it on, you’re sure to disappear abruptly
And whatever you were doing before, you’ll soon be doing it corruptly
And it doesn’t matter whether you’re a dwarf or a human king,
Sooner or later, you succumb to the ring.
As it happens, a particularly nasty specimen of finger jewelery fell into the possession of a plucky young hobbit named Frodo,
And before long he was being chased across the countryside by Nazgul, who were trying to kill him dead as a dodo
For which the only cure was to fling the cursed thing into the lava pits of Orodruin
But that wasn’t the only trouble bruin
Because Saruman and Sauron were waging a war with goblins and Uruk-Hai and orcs
Against which the hobbits didn’t have much chance, being less familiar with swords than they were with spoons and forks.
So Frodo and his companion Sam
Left the rest of their Fellowship and went on the lam
Encountering along the way a creature known as Gollum
Who pretended to help them on their way while actually trying to stallum.
On and on they went, fighting orcs and spiders and fatigue
While the forces of evil busied themselves with mayhem and intrigue.
At the end, Frodo decided not to destroy the ring, but as he lingered
He suddenly found himself nine-fingered
While Gollum fell into the magma with a final ‘poof’
Proving that even the best magic rings won’t make you lava-proof.
Frodo and Sam, having thus disposed of both the ring and Smeagol
Decided that they deserved a nice vacation, and flew off to the Bahamas by eagol.
And Aragorn and Arwen got married and ruled as King and Queen
And Gandalf and the elves sailed into the West and were nevermore seen,
Which, considering the rather bleak way this tale’s been wending,
Is about as much as one could ask from a happy ending.
That being said, it seems to me that to accept a ring from the likes of Sauron
You’d have to be a mauron.