Shadows

[serai]

This came to me a while back, during one of my on-again, off-again bouts with...well, you guys read it. I'm curious to know whether the subject comes through clearly or not. I'll come clean if nobody can pick up what it's about.

---

Shadows
by Serai


Tonight the Prince is sad
soul-sick and weary of hauntings
all a-tremble he stands listening
hands and straining ear
pressed flat against the wall
as if to ferret out within the timbers
the whispers that
(like rat steps slyly skittering)
rob him of his sanity and sleep

Now and now and now and then forever
trapped in a slowly tightening
ghostly net
an embrace once hot now cold
as cold as death
hell and madness pull at him like dybbuks
grinning as they call him
by his name

His eyes two chasms yawning
deep as oceans
aflood with tears dammed up
like thunderous rain
by walls of silence built through all his years

Guilt behind him
Pain above him
Hell below him
Death before him

No escape

---

Even though most of the poem is in pentameter, I'm having a bit of trouble trying to wrestle the first stanza completely into that meter. I'm not sure if it sounds awkward or not (I think I've read it too many times now to tell). Does it work rhythmically as it is, or should I keep picking at it? Even though it says what I want it to say, rhythm and flow are important to me, so please let me know your thoughts.




Oh, and before I forget: GIP!! I figured it was about time I had an icon for my scribblings. Thanks to the lovely mucun for her inspiring picture.

Comments

Wow. . .

[isildae.livejournal.com]

Serai that's awesome, and I very rarely like other people's poetry as I horrendously dislike modern prose. Well this is anything but modern prose.

This has an almost Keats-like air to it, very dark and yet. . .fragile.

I bow to your talent!

PS:Mucun I love your artwork! So kawaii!

Re: Wow. . .

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm glad you like it. I know what you mean about poetry - it can be very difficult to like it. Very few poets get my attention for more than a couple of pieces. Your comparison of this to Keats is very flattering! :)

Yes, I love mucun's art too. And she's a rare bird among Japan fan artists in that she lets anyone use her stuff. She's the only one I've come across that generous.

Oh and by the way. . .

[isildae.livejournal.com]

Please don't change anything.

I've read it over 3-4 times and I really love the flow (I think I'm in love)

I understand the temptation to revise (and revise, and revise some more *wink*) but if it was too linear and perfected it would lose some of its. . .tension. I like the almost young, and yet uncomfortably ancient feel to it. A sad prince indeed.

It's very E.A. Poe-ish in style and rhythm as well, which is something not easily accomplished, though attempted by many. Did I mention your talented?*sigh*

Re: Oh and by the way. . .

[serai1.livejournal.com]

*blush*

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I've decided to leave it alone. That slight awkwardness before it settles down seems to serve the piece, and certainly the character. He's neither comfortable nor happy, and that stumble at the beginning suits him, I think. I had at first thought it might be a sonnet, but the poem had other ideas. ;)

Yep!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Right on the money. The piece came from an image I got while I was fiddling with a scene in the play, the one where Ophelia comes upon him and has her silent encounter with the mad Prince. Even though the Ghost only takes part in three scenes, I've always had the impression of Elsinore being constantly haunted, in a way that only Hamlet can sense. So he does things like listen at walls, startle at noises no one else hears, stare off at things that don't seem to be there, etc. Is he mad? Isn't he? Who knows?