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I really ought to be sleeping...
...since I have to go to work tomorrow. So of course, I'm sitting up late engaging in totally unproductive websurfing. In the course of such, I've been reminded of a jewel from my long-bygone sci-fi days...
For those of you who don't know, Eye of Argon is arguably* the worst fantasy story every written. Really. It is eye-searingly horrible, beyond anything that we in the sci-fi community had imagined up to the time I first encountered it (the late 70s) and for quite a long time after that. I have seen people fall over in convulsions from hysterical laughter at it.
And since I just can't have something this godawfully wonderful brought to mind without wanting to, um, spread the joy, here are some choice bits:
A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive barbarians hide enameled shield as his rippling right arm thrust forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital organs. The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid. The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in th humid air currents as he faced the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms.
"Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier as he observed his comrade in death.
Brilliant, neh? He's even better at dialogue...
"The slut should have picked his quarry more carefully!" Roared the victor in a mocking baritone growl, as he wiped his dripping blade on the prostrate form, and returned it to its scabbard.
"The fool should have shown more prudence, however you shall rue your action while rotting in the pits." Stated one of the sprawled soldier's comrades.
Grignr's hand began to remove his blade from its leather housing, but retarded the motion in face of the blades waving before his face.
"Dismiss your hand from the hilt, barbarian, or you shall find a foot of steel sheathed in your gizzard."
He also has a real way with description. Picture (if you can) this item here...
Situated in front of the altar, and directly adjacent to the copper pail was a massive jade idol; a misshaped, hideous bust of the shamens' pagan diety. The shimmering green idol was placed upon a round, dvory plated dias; it bulging arms and webbed hands resting on the padded arms of the seat. Its head was entwined in golden snake-like coild hanging over its oblong ears, which tappered off to thin hollow points. Its nose was a bulging triangular mass, sunken in at its sides with tow gaping nostrils. Dramatic beneath the nostrils was a twisted, shaggy lipped mouth, giving the impression of a slovering sadistic grimace.
There is more. Oh, much more. Crazed "shamen" priests, copious bloodletting, hot babes with big sagging breasts, more swordplay than an SCA convention - Eye of Argon has it all. It's truly incredible. You may read the full transcription here (put the Coke down first):
Eye of Argon
Now, I know that in this day of ff.net and countless Mary-Sue horrorfics, EoA may seem just a tad quaint, but you have to remember that back in the day, there WAS no internet, and thus no easily available forum for...how shall I say it...unbelievably shitty fiction. So this story was truly a wonder. Personally, it was my first encounter with the idea that complete and utter lack of talent will never stop anybody.
Do check it out and enjoy. I will leave you with this classic line:
"You!" ejaculated the Ecordian in a pleased tone.
Doesn't that just say it all?
*No, come to think of it, I don't think there is any argument about it. It is the worst fantasy story ever written.
The Eye of Argon
For those of you who don't know, Eye of Argon is arguably* the worst fantasy story every written. Really. It is eye-searingly horrible, beyond anything that we in the sci-fi community had imagined up to the time I first encountered it (the late 70s) and for quite a long time after that. I have seen people fall over in convulsions from hysterical laughter at it.
And since I just can't have something this godawfully wonderful brought to mind without wanting to, um, spread the joy, here are some choice bits:
A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive barbarians hide enameled shield as his rippling right arm thrust forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital organs. The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid. The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in th humid air currents as he faced the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms.
"Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier as he observed his comrade in death.
Brilliant, neh? He's even better at dialogue...
"The slut should have picked his quarry more carefully!" Roared the victor in a mocking baritone growl, as he wiped his dripping blade on the prostrate form, and returned it to its scabbard.
"The fool should have shown more prudence, however you shall rue your action while rotting in the pits." Stated one of the sprawled soldier's comrades.
Grignr's hand began to remove his blade from its leather housing, but retarded the motion in face of the blades waving before his face.
"Dismiss your hand from the hilt, barbarian, or you shall find a foot of steel sheathed in your gizzard."
He also has a real way with description. Picture (if you can) this item here...
Situated in front of the altar, and directly adjacent to the copper pail was a massive jade idol; a misshaped, hideous bust of the shamens' pagan diety. The shimmering green idol was placed upon a round, dvory plated dias; it bulging arms and webbed hands resting on the padded arms of the seat. Its head was entwined in golden snake-like coild hanging over its oblong ears, which tappered off to thin hollow points. Its nose was a bulging triangular mass, sunken in at its sides with tow gaping nostrils. Dramatic beneath the nostrils was a twisted, shaggy lipped mouth, giving the impression of a slovering sadistic grimace.
There is more. Oh, much more. Crazed "shamen" priests, copious bloodletting, hot babes with big sagging breasts, more swordplay than an SCA convention - Eye of Argon has it all. It's truly incredible. You may read the full transcription here (put the Coke down first):
Eye of Argon
Now, I know that in this day of ff.net and countless Mary-Sue horrorfics, EoA may seem just a tad quaint, but you have to remember that back in the day, there WAS no internet, and thus no easily available forum for...how shall I say it...unbelievably shitty fiction. So this story was truly a wonder. Personally, it was my first encounter with the idea that complete and utter lack of talent will never stop anybody.
Do check it out and enjoy. I will leave you with this classic line:
"You!" ejaculated the Ecordian in a pleased tone.
Doesn't that just say it all?
*No, come to think of it, I don't think there is any argument about it. It is the worst fantasy story ever written.