I really ought to be sleeping...

[serai]

...since I have to go to work tomorrow. So of course, I'm sitting up late engaging in totally unproductive websurfing. In the course of such, I've been reminded of a jewel from my long-bygone sci-fi days...

The Eye of Argon

For those of you who don't know, Eye of Argon is arguably* the worst fantasy story every written. Really. It is eye-searingly horrible, beyond anything that we in the sci-fi community had imagined up to the time I first encountered it (the late 70s) and for quite a long time after that. I have seen people fall over in convulsions from hysterical laughter at it.

And since I just can't have something this godawfully wonderful brought to mind without wanting to, um, spread the joy, here are some choice bits:



A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive barbarians hide enameled shield as his rippling right arm thrust forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital organs. The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid. The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in th humid air currents as he faced the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms.

"Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier as he observed his comrade in death.

Brilliant, neh? He's even better at dialogue...

"The slut should have picked his quarry more carefully!" Roared the victor in a mocking baritone growl, as he wiped his dripping blade on the prostrate form, and returned it to its scabbard.

"The fool should have shown more prudence, however you shall rue your action while rotting in the pits." Stated one of the sprawled soldier's comrades.

Grignr's hand began to remove his blade from its leather housing, but retarded the motion in face of the blades waving before his face.

"Dismiss your hand from the hilt, barbarian, or you shall find a foot of steel sheathed in your gizzard."

He also has a real way with description. Picture (if you can) this item here...

Situated in front of the altar, and directly adjacent to the copper pail was a massive jade idol; a misshaped, hideous bust of the shamens' pagan diety. The shimmering green idol was placed upon a round, dvory plated dias; it bulging arms and webbed hands resting on the padded arms of the seat. Its head was entwined in golden snake-like coild hanging over its oblong ears, which tappered off to thin hollow points. Its nose was a bulging triangular mass, sunken in at its sides with tow gaping nostrils. Dramatic beneath the nostrils was a twisted, shaggy lipped mouth, giving the impression of a slovering sadistic grimace.

There is more. Oh, much more. Crazed "shamen" priests, copious bloodletting, hot babes with big sagging breasts, more swordplay than an SCA convention - Eye of Argon has it all. It's truly incredible. You may read the full transcription here (put the Coke down first):

Eye of Argon

Now, I know that in this day of ff.net and countless Mary-Sue horrorfics, EoA may seem just a tad quaint, but you have to remember that back in the day, there WAS no internet, and thus no easily available forum for...how shall I say it...unbelievably shitty fiction. So this story was truly a wonder. Personally, it was my first encounter with the idea that complete and utter lack of talent will never stop anybody.

Do check it out and enjoy. I will leave you with this classic line:

"You!" ejaculated the Ecordian in a pleased tone.

Doesn't that just say it all?




*No, come to think of it, I don't think there is any argument about it. It is the worst fantasy story ever written.

Comments

[elycia.livejournal.com]

This is hysterical!!! It sounds a lot like what you get when you run something through one of those web utilities that translates something into another language, and then translate it back into English.

you shall find a foot of steel sheathed in your gizzard.

And may the gods help anyone who has a foot-long gizzard... ;-)

Unrelated notes: I LOVE that icon. Where is the picture from? Also, I stupidly managed to close the YIM window that had your screen name before I wrote it down, so I have no idea who you are in Yahoo-land. Would you message me again sometime, please, so I can perhaps behave more intelligently? Thank you!

[semyaza.livejournal.com]

If not quite as bad as the sub-titles in HK action flicks. I'm thinking of such gems as: "You always use violence. I should have ordered glutinous rice chicken" or "Brother, my pants are coming out". Or maybe even "I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair."

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Heehee! I do adore EoA. There's such artistry in its unbelievable awfulness.

And the pic. It's from one of the EE extras, I believe on the FOTR disc. Elijah doing sword training for the film. Here is the original:



Actually, I doctored it a bit. The original was much darker and browner, so it got a run through Photoshop. The phrase "Your laughter" is from a poem by Pablo Neruda:

Deprive me of bread, if you like,
deprive me of air,
but don't deprive me of your laughter.
Don't deprive me of the rose,
the stream that gushes forth in your joy,
the sudden silvery wave born of you.
Your laughter enters and rises
towards the sky, seeking me out,
and for me it open all the gates of life.
By the autum sea, your laughter
raises its foamy cascade,
and I want your laughter in the spring, my love,
the blossom that I long for.
Deprive me of bread, of air,
of light, of spring,
but never your laughter,
or else I die.

[samena.livejournal.com]

This guy sure likes his adjectives, doesn't he? Too bad he doesn't seem to be too familiar with figurative language, because that would have made it even funnier. :P

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

What I remember about the Eye of Argon was challenge readings -- you know, see how many sentences you could get out with a straight face before either laughing or puking...

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Yep, me too! Oh the fun times. Those were the days. :)

[danachan.livejournal.com]

"You!" ejaculated the Ecordian in a pleased tone.

Yes, that does say it all.

[rubynye.livejournal.com]

I had *repressed* those memories! *collapses to the floor*

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Well, we all know repression of memories is A Very Bad Thing, so you should thank me for the favor!

Heeheehee!</small)