Alternative Tolkien - John Norman

[serai]

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In honor of britgirlsf, who posted the brilliance that I mentioned in my last post, I give you... *drumroll*



John Norman:



I, Frodo Baggins, formerly of the Shire, am one who is known to Sauron of Mordor.

It came about late in the month of En’Kara in the year of 10,117 of the Third Age that I awoke to the soothing touch of a small sponge that bathed my forehead.

I grabbed the hand that held the sponge and found that I held a girl’s wrist. “Who are you?” I asked.

I lay on a stone platform padded by heavy sleeping pelts and numerous scarves of yellow and red silk.

“Please.” Said the girl.

She was comely with light hair straight and bound simply behind her back with a small ribbon of yellow silk. Her eyes blue and sullen. Her full, red lips, seemed to pout sensuously, rebelliously, and perhaps subtly contemptuously.

“I am Arwen,” she responded “your slave.”

I released her wrist.

She knelt resting on her heels with her back straight. In her eyes there seemed to burn an irritable fury of helpless rage. I smiled but she did not smile back, looking away angrily.

When she again raised her head I saw about her throat, as I expected, graceful and gleaming, the silver collar of a Mordor slave girl.

“Your demeanor does not suggest that of a slave girl.” I said.

“I am a chamber slave.” She whispered. “As long as you are in this room, you may do with me as you please. Master.”

Her shoulders shook with rage at my widened smile.

“I see I must teach you the meaning of your collar.” I said, rising and stepping towards her. She scrambled to the corner of the room with a cry.

My laugh was loud.

Comments

[britgirlsf.livejournal.com]

I am now picturing Frodo frantically humping Arwen's knee. Whoever gave him such a tall slave girl really should have provided him with a ladder, or perhaps some stilts.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Heeheehee. I'm trying to imagine him beating her with a rope, the way the manly men of Gor do with their beautiful slaves. She'd end up shrieking that he was tickling her, and then he would be angry. His anger would be deep and terrible, the anger of a true master.

But he'd still be short.

[cara-chapel.livejournal.com]

Tsk. I'm now wondering how you should REALLY do that, keeping Frodo more in character, and using Sam. ;-D

[cara-chapel.livejournal.com]

BTW, this is hilarious; what I meant was Frodo reacting to Gorean culture and being totally freaked out.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Ahaha. Well, I didn't write most of the alternate Tolkiens I've posted. They're things I found a few years ago scattered on message boards and such. But you know, I'm starting to feel some nibblings around my ankles, so your nudging may result in something!

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

oh MY....lmao!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Is it not priceless? This is one of my favorites. I've got a bunch more; I should start posting them again.

[fantasy-fan.livejournal.com]

And are we to assume that the beautiful slave girls, even Arwen, must be blonde? It's also odd that anyone would think of her as a 'girl'.

I've read a lot of sci-fi in my life, and somehow managed to miss these completely. It appears to be no loss. This guy had some real issues.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Only if you take him seriously. Personally, I love his novels. Rarely do I get to read something as hilarious as him in print.

Do keep in mind that he didn't write this. It's a parody of his work.