I love Kevin Smith.
Saturday, February 9th, 2008 11:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serai.
Truly. The man's a laid-back, smartass genius. Who else could conquer the filmmaking world with a static, visually boring, endlessly talky slacker flick filled with blowjob jokes, that cost about $37 to make? When I first saw Clerks, I literally could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. My sister was visiting from Spain that year, and I dragged her to see it. We laughed so hard we couldn't stop, and I ended up with sore abs for about three days.
Kevin's been doing speaking gigs for several years, because he is awesomely funny onstage. I just got his second performance DVD, Kevin Smith: Evening Harder, from Netflix, and was enjoying watching his London show, when he started talking about Lord of the Rings.
Now, I already knew what he thought about LOTR. (Clue: he's a Star Wars geek.) That little jab in Clerks 2 told me everything I needed to know, although it was a hilariously funny jab. So I wasn't surprised. It's a really funny rant. Basically he was disappointed because in his words, "it's three movies about fucking walking." He goes on amusingly about it, and then he starts talking about the ending, and why he didn't like it. And what he would have done instead.
OH GODS.
Transcript:
The ending of that movie, I thought, was rather clear. I thought it was the moment when Frodo wakes up from his coma, or whatever he was in and shit, and the little hobbits - the little gay hobbits - are jumping up and down on the bed. Merry and Pippin, whatever. Because they were clearly fucking gay. It's the first time in the movie that people aren't walking, 'cause instead they're bouncing on the bed. Admit it. I mean, even the trees in that fucking movie walked!
So the little gay hobbits are hopping up and down on the bed and shit, and then everyone's happy that Frodo's alive. And then Sam pimps into the room, and just leans against the door jamb. And he's looking at his boy in the bed, and his boy's making eye contact with him. Frodo and Sam looking at each other.
And you just get this feeling - they're looking each other and they're just like, "We've been through some fucking shit. Granted, we walked a lot. But we've seen some shit, and we took the Ring. And fucking, two hobbits saved Middle Earth. You and I, we saw spiders, we saw giant fucking birds. We saw a lotta shit. You and I have been through the shit." Like two Vietnam vets who made it out of Danang and shit. Like, "We did it, Frodo." And they share this fucking look. That's the end of the movie to me. That's a beautiful way to go out.
And if you really wanted to like, blow the mind of the Academy - because that's a movie that won the Academy Award for Best Picture, and it was a foregone conclusion that the movie was gonna make a gazillion bucks, right? 'Cause everyone was gonna go see that fucking movie because they went to see the first two - I always thought Peter Jackson should have just completely fucking taken a left at that point. You know? 'Cause it's the tail end of the movie, everybody's seen the fucking adventure story, we've gotten all the box office. Why not just go fucking nuts? Like just do something that nobody was expecting. All the people that know the books really well, all the people that were real hard-core fans of the other movies.
Like, instead, Frodo's looking at Sam, Sam's looking at Frodo... and Sam tells Merry and Pippin to take a hike. And then Sam goes over and just sucks the fucking cock off Frodo. Like just a hard-core - just this amazing, fucking awe-inspiring, luscious blowjob scene between these two hobbits. Like, just to watch the audience go, "Wah? What the fuck happened?" Like, "Did you fucking..? The little guy is blowing the little guy! Fucking Jackson's lost his mind!" And just like a ten-minute version of it. Like from a real porno fucking scene. Just fucking like working it. [Here he demonstrates with his hands.] And no music. Just stark. So you're just hearing like: [He grabs his cheek and makes the sound.]
People would just be like, "What the fuck?" Like, it would be amazing. I would give that dude the Academy Award right then and there. I'd be like, "That is the bravest fucking move I've ever seen in a mainstream movie. Congratulations, you insane, glorious bastard." And at the end of it all, Sam just bricks in Frodo's mouth. Credits.
This is why they don't let me direct other movies.
If I didn't love him before, I'd be head over heels now.
Truly. The man's a laid-back, smartass genius. Who else could conquer the filmmaking world with a static, visually boring, endlessly talky slacker flick filled with blowjob jokes, that cost about $37 to make? When I first saw Clerks, I literally could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. My sister was visiting from Spain that year, and I dragged her to see it. We laughed so hard we couldn't stop, and I ended up with sore abs for about three days.
Kevin's been doing speaking gigs for several years, because he is awesomely funny onstage. I just got his second performance DVD, Kevin Smith: Evening Harder, from Netflix, and was enjoying watching his London show, when he started talking about Lord of the Rings.
Now, I already knew what he thought about LOTR. (Clue: he's a Star Wars geek.) That little jab in Clerks 2 told me everything I needed to know, although it was a hilariously funny jab. So I wasn't surprised. It's a really funny rant. Basically he was disappointed because in his words, "it's three movies about fucking walking." He goes on amusingly about it, and then he starts talking about the ending, and why he didn't like it. And what he would have done instead.
OH GODS.
Transcript:
The ending of that movie, I thought, was rather clear. I thought it was the moment when Frodo wakes up from his coma, or whatever he was in and shit, and the little hobbits - the little gay hobbits - are jumping up and down on the bed. Merry and Pippin, whatever. Because they were clearly fucking gay. It's the first time in the movie that people aren't walking, 'cause instead they're bouncing on the bed. Admit it. I mean, even the trees in that fucking movie walked!
So the little gay hobbits are hopping up and down on the bed and shit, and then everyone's happy that Frodo's alive. And then Sam pimps into the room, and just leans against the door jamb. And he's looking at his boy in the bed, and his boy's making eye contact with him. Frodo and Sam looking at each other.
And you just get this feeling - they're looking each other and they're just like, "We've been through some fucking shit. Granted, we walked a lot. But we've seen some shit, and we took the Ring. And fucking, two hobbits saved Middle Earth. You and I, we saw spiders, we saw giant fucking birds. We saw a lotta shit. You and I have been through the shit." Like two Vietnam vets who made it out of Danang and shit. Like, "We did it, Frodo." And they share this fucking look. That's the end of the movie to me. That's a beautiful way to go out.
And if you really wanted to like, blow the mind of the Academy - because that's a movie that won the Academy Award for Best Picture, and it was a foregone conclusion that the movie was gonna make a gazillion bucks, right? 'Cause everyone was gonna go see that fucking movie because they went to see the first two - I always thought Peter Jackson should have just completely fucking taken a left at that point. You know? 'Cause it's the tail end of the movie, everybody's seen the fucking adventure story, we've gotten all the box office. Why not just go fucking nuts? Like just do something that nobody was expecting. All the people that know the books really well, all the people that were real hard-core fans of the other movies.
Like, instead, Frodo's looking at Sam, Sam's looking at Frodo... and Sam tells Merry and Pippin to take a hike. And then Sam goes over and just sucks the fucking cock off Frodo. Like just a hard-core - just this amazing, fucking awe-inspiring, luscious blowjob scene between these two hobbits. Like, just to watch the audience go, "Wah? What the fuck happened?" Like, "Did you fucking..? The little guy is blowing the little guy! Fucking Jackson's lost his mind!" And just like a ten-minute version of it. Like from a real porno fucking scene. Just fucking like working it. [Here he demonstrates with his hands.] And no music. Just stark. So you're just hearing like: [He grabs his cheek and makes the sound.]
People would just be like, "What the fuck?" Like, it would be amazing. I would give that dude the Academy Award right then and there. I'd be like, "That is the bravest fucking move I've ever seen in a mainstream movie. Congratulations, you insane, glorious bastard." And at the end of it all, Sam just bricks in Frodo's mouth. Credits.
This is why they don't let me direct other movies.
If I didn't love him before, I'd be head over heels now.
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Date: Sunday, February 10th, 2008 02:03 am (UTC)