Just what the fuck IS IT with Hollywood?

[serai]

Back again, with an enraged rant...

My eyes are bleeding!!

John the Baptist with a side of fries!!! HELLO?? Just what the FUCK does any of this have to do with Asimov?? Just when did I, Robot, a wonderful, thought-provoking, interesting book about the differences between humand and artificial consciousness, turn into a goddamn shoot-em-up?

The THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS, Jerry? Remember those? The ones that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE for any robot to disobey? The concept that's so solid and useful that actual RL robotics experts are beginning to include it in the making of REAL robots? Hello??? Your whole premise is based on a WILLFUL misinterpretation of the word "law", as evidenced by that deeply stupid tagline, "Laws were meant to be broken". Hey asshole, IT AIN'T THAT KIND OF LAW. It's not a "Murder is illegal" kind of law, it's a "Gravity makes things fall" kind of law!! Or did you think nobody would notice??

Whoever it is that's holding the keys to Asimov's estate should be FIRED, and like, right NOW. No, not fired. He/She should be FRIED. In cooking oil. That's been used to cook FISH. What the hell could they have been thinking to sell the rights to that wonderful book to JERRY FUCKING BRUCKHEIMER???

ARGH.

DOUBLE ARGH.


(I'd love to hear what Harlan Ellison has to say about this monstrosity. He wrote an incredibly lovely screenplay based on I, Robot, that was shunted around and turned down for YEARS because of...wait for it...budgetary constraints. Just how much do you think this utter wankfest cost? Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure of exactly what he'd say.)


Well, now. That's THREE hideous fiascoes based on wonderful original stories this year. Why can't these goddamn movie conglomerates just come up with their own friggin' stories and leave the GOOD BOOKS alone? I mean, I don't give much of a shit when they take an original script and rip it a new asshole, or when they put out a deeply stupid sequel to a great original film. (Well, ok, I was pretty pissed off at how badly the Matrix thing went.)

But sweet gods, why do they have to take a perfectly good book and KILL it? If you're going to get this off-the-wall, why not just call it something else? Why piss in such a great pool?

Man, and I'd just started to get over the trauma of Stuart Little. (The trailer, mind. There's no way in hell you'd ever get me to watch even ten minutes of that soul-killing horror.)

Can I kill Jerry Bruckheimer? Please? I promise I won't make a mess. Plllleeeeeease???


ETA: IF I SEE ONE MORE MOVIE FEATURING GRATUITOUS USE OF THAT GODDAMN HONG KONG WIREWORK, I SWEAR SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE.


ETA 2: I just went over to IMDb and looked Bruckheimer up. It's amazing just how many utterly worthless piles of crap this guy has made. About the only worthwhile thing on the list is Pirates of the Caribbean, and I wouldn't give the guy any Gold Stars For High Quality on that score. Raucous fun, yes. Cinematic achievement...eh, not so much.

Comments

[illyria-novia.livejournal.com]

You know, when I heard that they're going to release I, Robot soon, I was hoping I'd be able to see something with the sweetness of "Robbie" and a little touch of the craziness of those two robot testers. Looking at the synopsis though, I hardly recognize it as something Asimov wrote. And I bet they're going to have Susan Calvin have an affair with the hero. *bleh*

[serai1.livejournal.com]

And I bet they're going to have Susan Calvin have an affair with the hero. *bleh*

Hee! I sincerely doubt that, since Susan would be, what, 75 years old by then? But this is a Bruckheimer film - he'd probably collapse the timeline so that robots go from first design to world marketing in 5 years, and Susan is a blonde bimbo with eyes hot for anything in the shape of a man, thus getting not only sex but interracial sex into it. All this despite the fact that the word curmudgeon does not even begin to describe Miss Calvin.

[fyrdrakken]

Well, remember that one story where Calvin in fact had a crush on a guy she was working with on this one project. You know, the story about the telepathic robot.