Just what the fuck IS IT with Hollywood?

[serai]

Back again, with an enraged rant...

My eyes are bleeding!!

John the Baptist with a side of fries!!! HELLO?? Just what the FUCK does any of this have to do with Asimov?? Just when did I, Robot, a wonderful, thought-provoking, interesting book about the differences between humand and artificial consciousness, turn into a goddamn shoot-em-up?

The THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS, Jerry? Remember those? The ones that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE for any robot to disobey? The concept that's so solid and useful that actual RL robotics experts are beginning to include it in the making of REAL robots? Hello??? Your whole premise is based on a WILLFUL misinterpretation of the word "law", as evidenced by that deeply stupid tagline, "Laws were meant to be broken". Hey asshole, IT AIN'T THAT KIND OF LAW. It's not a "Murder is illegal" kind of law, it's a "Gravity makes things fall" kind of law!! Or did you think nobody would notice??

Whoever it is that's holding the keys to Asimov's estate should be FIRED, and like, right NOW. No, not fired. He/She should be FRIED. In cooking oil. That's been used to cook FISH. What the hell could they have been thinking to sell the rights to that wonderful book to JERRY FUCKING BRUCKHEIMER???

ARGH.

DOUBLE ARGH.


(I'd love to hear what Harlan Ellison has to say about this monstrosity. He wrote an incredibly lovely screenplay based on I, Robot, that was shunted around and turned down for YEARS because of...wait for it...budgetary constraints. Just how much do you think this utter wankfest cost? Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure of exactly what he'd say.)


Well, now. That's THREE hideous fiascoes based on wonderful original stories this year. Why can't these goddamn movie conglomerates just come up with their own friggin' stories and leave the GOOD BOOKS alone? I mean, I don't give much of a shit when they take an original script and rip it a new asshole, or when they put out a deeply stupid sequel to a great original film. (Well, ok, I was pretty pissed off at how badly the Matrix thing went.)

But sweet gods, why do they have to take a perfectly good book and KILL it? If you're going to get this off-the-wall, why not just call it something else? Why piss in such a great pool?

Man, and I'd just started to get over the trauma of Stuart Little. (The trailer, mind. There's no way in hell you'd ever get me to watch even ten minutes of that soul-killing horror.)

Can I kill Jerry Bruckheimer? Please? I promise I won't make a mess. Plllleeeeeease???


ETA: IF I SEE ONE MORE MOVIE FEATURING GRATUITOUS USE OF THAT GODDAMN HONG KONG WIREWORK, I SWEAR SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE.


ETA 2: I just went over to IMDb and looked Bruckheimer up. It's amazing just how many utterly worthless piles of crap this guy has made. About the only worthwhile thing on the list is Pirates of the Caribbean, and I wouldn't give the guy any Gold Stars For High Quality on that score. Raucous fun, yes. Cinematic achievement...eh, not so much.

Comments

Re: Oh, indeed we do.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

I know, I know. My reaction is based on gut-upset rather than actual logic. It's obvious this stupid piece of crap will be forgotten. But you know what? It's existence will also prevent a good adaptation from getting filmed, certainly for a number of years, perhaps forever. And that's what really upsets me. I've been wanting to see a worthy film made from this worthy book for many years, and this...THING...is what we get, and may be the only thing we get.

As for Stuart, goodness, I loved that ending. It's one of the best things about the book for me. I prefer books that lead my imagination on to other vistas, other possibilities. Yeah, I don't know what happened to Stuart, but that means I get to imagine it for myself, and I got no problem with that at all. To my mind, there's way too much of a tendency these days to want stories all wrapped up in neat little packages. But no story ever has a definitive end - they all go on forever. And this ending had such hope, and joy, and a spirit of adventure. I love to think of little Stuart out there, happily taking to the road to find the truth of his heart. It's a far more beguiling ending for me than any "happily ever after". In fact, for me it is a happily-ever-after, for Stuart is doing just what his heart compels him to do, and how can anyone be happier than that?

Re: Oh, indeed we do.

[singeaddams.livejournal.com]

Think of it as the Bakshi or even the Rankin Bass version of LOTR. Something GOOD will be made, someday. (Although I loved Rankin Bass, don't get me wrong.) Anyway, KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

You know what I want to see? The 2nd book of the Foundation series. I want to see the Mule take over the known galaxy. And I want to see Elijah Wood play him. Not that I'm a fan of his (because I'm not, I just like him) but because he can look small, funny and helpless just before turning on a dime and becoming bug-eyed and psychotic. He'd be perfect for the Mule. *Dreams*

As for Stuart, I like YOUR ending. The book didn't even have that much. It just...stopped and the result was unsatisfying. Books and stories don't have to wrap up into neat, little happy endings for me. 'Charlotte's Web' was sad as hell. Charlotte died alone and away from home and Wilbur never found as good a friend as she was. But I LOVE that book. Oh, well. No two people will ever read the same story the same way, I guess.

Re: Oh, indeed we do.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Well, you got me curious, so I pulled down my ancient copy of Struart Little. Here is the ending of the story:

"Worse things could happen to a person," said the repairman.

"Yes, I know," answered Stuart.

"Following a broken telephone line north, I have come upon some wonderful places," continued the repairman. "Swamps where cedars grow and turtles wait on logs but not for anything in particular; fields bordered by crooked fences broken by years of standing still; orchards so old they have forgotten where the farmhouse is. In the north I have eaten my lunch in pastures rank with ferns and junipers, all under fairskies with a wind blowing. My business has taken me into spruce woods on winter nights where the snow lay deep and soft, a perfect place for a carnival of rabbits. I have sat at peace on the freight platforms of railroad junctions in the north, in the warm hours and with the warm smells. I know fresh lakes in the north, undisturbed except by fish and hawk and, of course, by the Telephone Company, which has to follow its nose. I know all these places well. They are a long way from here - don't forget that. And a person who is looking for something doesn't travel very fast."

"That's perfectly true," said Stuart. "Well, I guess I'd better be going. Thank you for your friendly remarks."

"Not at all," said the repairman. "I hope you find that bird."

Stuart rose from the ditch, climbed into his car, and started up the road that led toward the north. The sun was just coming up over the hills on his right. As he peered ahead into the great land that stretched before him, the way seemed long. But the sky was bright, and he somehow felt he was headed in the right direction.



Perhaps it's the lyrical loveliness of the repairman's musings, perhaps it's the gentle beauty and precision of Garth Williams' last drawing, perhaps it's the quiet hopefulness of Stuart's final thought. Most likely it's all of them combined, but when, as a lonely kid, I read that last page in the book, I felt both a sense of quiet peace and a yearning to be able to follow the road in search of my heart's desire. I might not have known what it was (I still don't), but that I wanted it (and still do) is undeniable, and this little book told me that no matter what life may hand out, that desire is what's it all for.

Re: Oh, indeed we do.

[fyrdrakken]

You know what I want to see? The 2nd book of the Foundation series. I want to see the Mule take over the known galaxy. And I want to see Elijah Wood play him. Not that I'm a fan of his (because I'm not, I just like him) but because he can look small, funny and helpless just before turning on a dime and becoming bug-eyed and psychotic. He'd be perfect for the Mule. *Dreams*

You know, that's the one thing that would probably make me go find the Foundation Trilogy and try again to read it -- I got a few chapters into the first book and got bored and dropped it and never touched it again...

Re: Oh, indeed we do.

[singeaddams.livejournal.com]

The 1st Foundation book was nothing but backstory and social theory and the 3rd was annoying. Head straight into the 2nd; it has a plot! There was a 2nd Foundation trilogy and it's reasonably good if you want to give it a try.

Re: Oh, indeed we do.

[fyrdrakken]

I've had too many annoying experience reading books in a series out of order to be willing to deliberately start a trilogy in the second book. If I can't get through the first book I won't read them at all, let alone jumping directly to the second trilogy.

Re: Oh, indeed we do.

[singeaddams.livejournal.com]

Well, good luck whatever you decide to do!