Josh Hartnett owes me $14

[serai]

No, fuck the $14. He owes me two hours of my life. Two hours I'll never get back.


Wicker Park


Christ on a crutch. What is it with this guy? Is it lack of talent or just really bad choices? Because if this is the shit he's getting offered...damn. And I thought I felt sorry for him after Hollywood Homicide. At least in that nightmare he got to do funny, even though he failed miserably. Here he just ends up pacing through this thing like an insomniac stuck in a gaudy nightclub who, try as he might, simply cannot find the exit.


There I was, sitting in the theater getting antsier by the minute, unable (or unwilling) to believe from the reigning silence that I was really so dense I couldn't get this mishmash. Then salvation came - when the female lead tearfully and defiantly declared, "I'm not going to apologize for what I've done!" (Quick, get this woman an Oscar!), half the audience burst into hysterical laughter, and I felt much relieved, thanking the gods I'm not the only one reeling from the B-movie cheesiness of it all.


And that fucking script! A story so wanky it could only be French*, with a navel-diving directorial attitude to match. From the get-go, this thing confuses with its look-at-me-be-artsy credit sequence, overuse of silly effects that just made me think of really bored film students, and more holes than a Peckinpah stunt man. Convoluted? Nuh-uh. Contrived is the word, with every single plot twist seemingly chosen to be as ridiculous as possible. And you know what, guys? You really can fiddle with the soundtrack songs, because s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g your joyful/tearful denouement out to the absolute end of the audience's patience just so you can have your star-crossed lovers embrace at JUST THE RIGHT LINE - uh, no.


The only fun I got this evening was walking out of the theater and exchanging laughing snark with audience members - seems nobody had a good word for this turkey. Now and then I regret the moviehouse courtesy that keeps people mostly quiet in theaters. At the very least, this opus would have made for a great evening of impromptu MST3K.


Gotta go find some ice and aspirin - my head is all desky now.



* No, I do not hate the French. I just think they can be incredibly wanky sometimes. Don't believe me? Try reading Baudrillard.

Comments

[semyaza.livejournal.com]

Baudrillard. Good example.

I recall talking to a friend about this movie a couple of months ago, and we both had a Very Bad Feeling about it. Somehow, it had turkey pasted on its forehead from the get-go. I don't recall ever seeing an adaptation of a French film that was actually better than the original. I'm glad to hear that it was just as bad as we had thought it would be, but sorry you wasted your money. :(

[serai1.livejournal.com]

You actually own HH? Oh, my. I can only attribute that to someone else in your family having desperately bad taste, or super-sekrit govmint mindray control. Take my advice - DO NOT insert that thing into your player. Put it in a sealed plastic bag to keep it from dripping goo on you, and take it to the nearest used media store (preferably at the end of a very long pole).

Poor Josh. He tries, he really does. But I've come to the sad conclusion that the guy just isn't talented. He can do the inarticulate corn-fed puppy-dog thing, but when he's good it seems to be an accident of casting. Off-hand, I can think of only really good film he's been in other than The Faculty (and whether that's a good film or not depends on your point-of-view), and that was O, the modern update of Othello. Excellent adaptation, with a solid cast and good grasp of the mechanics of the story, as well as a deft scene-by-scene reworking of the original. Josh acquitted himself pretty well in that one, I'd say, and it's definitely worth seeing.

I'm much better, thanks. And yes indeed, I'm getting antsy for a new Borderlines fix, myself. ;)

[rubynye.livejournal.com]

One of the many things I love about you is how shyly diplomatic you are, never stating an unhedged opinion out of concern for folks' feelings.

*can no longer maintain*
*falls over giggling*