Feeling a strange mix of emotions...

[serai]

...though not a completely unfamiliar one.

I had told shadowfax8 that I would do a write-up on ORC for her website. My intentions were quite honest about it, as I thought I'd have a great deal to write about. And of course, I expected to go on at length here in my LJ about it, as well.

But when I got home from the weekend, I found myself reluctant to talk on it at all, apart from an occasional comment in someone else's journal. Everything about the weekend that wasn't personal (the stage appearances, the setup of the place, the signings, etc.) has already been described at great length by others, and everything that is personal, well... I find I don't want to talk about.

I don't want to speak in public about how I felt watching Billy strut his stuff, or listening to Dom's voice as he snarked and ruminated. I don't want to talk about how it felt to put my head on Sean's shoulder for my photo op, or what it was like to look into Elijah's eyes, even if for only a moment. I don't want to go into detail about meeting all the lovely people that I met, or what it was like to fall in so quickly with kindred souls I'd never seen before, or how much I miss being touched and held and hugged so much. Or how it felt to see others crying and help them through it, and cry myself and be helped through it, and all of us understanding just exactly why.

Part of me feels guilty and sad and like my usual flaky unreliable self, because I promised, and one should at least try to keep one's promises. And that if I don't write about all this, it'll eventually fade away like an old photograph, and all those memories will cease to exist, and then will they ever have existed at all? (The persistence of memory and the impermanence of time, always in counterpoint and opposition to each other.)

But another part of me feels those things are somehow delicate and sacred, that the whole experience was too deep and large to cram into words. That if I try, I'll diminish it, take the shine off it, drag it down to something that I'll read years from now and not remember why it all mattered so much, wonder how any of it could make me feel so intensely or care so deeply. That part of me feels these memories will die if I do that, will become small somehow. That what they're meant for is to sink into me as another layer of my life, like the rings that grow up and make a tree. Those rings cannot become strong wood, the flesh of the tree, if they're exposed to the light. They have to grow secretly, under the cover of rough bark, in order to sustain the life within.

So I guess all this is by way of saying that I won't be writing about ORC, I don't think. At least, I don't expect so, though one never knows. But it just doesn't feel right. I find no impetus in my fingers to make the words. So I'm sorry if I've disappointed anyone. I didn't mean to, honestly.

*sigh*

Comments

[malakhai.livejournal.com]

I do understand. That is why I didn't promise to write for her. And that is why I only posted my personal memories in my LJ. I was very reluctant to post them publicly. It just seems odd to me that people would post their photo op pictures for the entire world to see, and that they would detail every minute of their private time with their idols for every other fan to peruse.

To me, it was such a magical and meaningful thing, I can't imagine sharing it with the entire world. To do so would diminish it's value and the uniqueness.

I do understand.

Although, okay, I made icons. heh

[semyaza.livejournal.com]

WORD.

[ex-rogerpit.livejournal.com]

It's perfectly understandable. I met Sean in person in Springfield last week, and it was one of the most memorable times of my life. I wrote a little piece about it in my LJ, and posted a few of the pics I took. The only one I DIDN'T post was the one of me and Sean together. The only place that photo exists is in a frame on my desk, because that one moment - however brief it might have been - was one that I will cherish forever. It's not something that can easily be put into words. I didn't gush like a fangirl over meeting a movie star - far from it. But being there impacted me all the same.

**steps off of soapbox**

[undone27.livejournal.com]

I talked with you last night about this, yeah. Yes, I posted what happened to me, and it was cool and I was very happy and lucky, but yes, I knew it would be misinterpreted the moment it was over. I'm not going to post my photos because I look like a hag although I have shared them with friends, and well, the people that were there that weekend.

It was special, and it seemed sort of final to me- that something was slipping away after that was over. I don't want to keep talking about it because it does seem to become more troublesome to me when I dwell on the whole thing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you should do what you think would respect your memories best.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Final, yes. I think I know what you mean. It changed things. I think a lot of my reluctance to write comes from wanting to always be true in what I write, whether it's fiction or not. And I feel like if I wrote about this, I couldn't do that. Either I'd please my audience and not be true to what happened, or I'd be true and produce something that wouldn't be all shiny and pretty. No matter how I do it, it wouldn't come out right. So I'll keep it in my heart. *sigh*

[oxer12.livejournal.com]

As someone who has kept a paper journal for most of my life, I beg you to at least write down (either in a private post here or on paper) the highlights of your memories. There are a couple of life-changing, special experiences that I went through where I felt much as you did, that they were too special to write down in any way. One of those times, I never did write anything. The other time, I wrote short memory-jogging phrases, just so the experience wouldn't be lost entirely. And I tell you, I am still kicking myself for never having written down anything of the 1st experience. Sure, I still remember it, but not as vividly as I do the 2nd one.

I promise you, you'll be so grateful years from now if you have those memory-joggers to take you back to those days. :)

[shadowfax8.livejournal.com]

Oh honey, you won't disappoint anyone by not writing about this, including me! I understand how you feel about this, and I respect it, and honestly, I don't care if I have no ORC reports posted on WOTM at all, because I know that all my lj friends went and had a blast and that's what's truly important! But I'm going to share my experience with you, for what it's worth, since I have quite a bit of experience with attending conventions and Tolkien events and then reporting on them.

I have been to two Dragon Cons, the Return of the One Party, GOTF, and gone on a vacation type thingy to Atlanta with close fandom friends that included a trip to see the LOTR symphony, all in the last year or so. I wrote up all of these events, except for GOTF and the Atlanta trip. For the ones I did write up, I often find myself going back and reading through my reports. For me, it doesn't diminish the experience and the memories, it enhances them. Those written reports are like a roadmap for me that takes me through my personal memories. Those reports don't contain everything I experienced by any stretch of the imagination, and I know that the words can't adequately describe how I felt at the time, but they help me remember, and lead me to those memories that I hold closest.

As for the two events I didn't report on, I chose not to because those two trips were personal, and I didn't do much that I considered of interest to the general fandom. But now, I find myself wishing I had those accounts penned, so that I could read through them, and share them at least with close friends who would understand. I don't remember anymore which days we did what at GOTF, and I get just a general happy feeling from thoughts of the experience, along with a few distinct memories. However, I know I would remember much more if I'd noted things down when I got home. Likewise for the Atlanta trip. For both, the pictures that I have from each help, but I can't exactly recreate the feeling of these the way I can of the One Party or Dragon Con, and that feeling comes from reading the exuberance I tried to capture in the days just after I returned.

As I started this post, I'll end it by reiterating that the choice is yours, and I'm just thrilled that you had such a wonderful time. I hope my experiences will provide another viewpoint for you to consider, even if it's just for your personal record of the event.

[beizy.livejournal.com]

:\

*hugs*

[slipperieslope.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, I think you just did.

((hugs))

[goldberry-b.livejournal.com]

my thoughts exactly :)

more hugs