How's about a spot of Beanage?

[serai]

A Woman's Guide to Adultery is a rather craptacular film.* A Lifetime-type melodrama about desperate women having affairs with married men, it's all pretty banal and sordid, if you ask me. Any film that asserts "Even the worst kind of love is better than being alone" - um, no. (I shit you not, that is a line from the film.)

But it's got one redeeming feature - Sean Bean. Granted, he plays a philandering photography teacher who clearly thinks too much of himself (gods, the self-important bullshit he spouts about "the sudden heedlessness of love" - oh, blow me, dude), but he's still a babe.

And so, let us indulge in a bit of ogling, shall we?

Warning: Some of the following is Not Work-Safe.


First off, we have a few basic closeups to establish that, although Paul is a bit of a slimeball who treats the student body as a smorgasbord, he is still very easy on the eyes.

The initial glance across the crowded room...



Do I hear music?

...Don't stand, don't stand...



...Don't stand so close to me...



Here he's putting the moves on Teresa Russell. Yeah, I don't think much of his taste either...



He takes her out for hot donuts. Much finger-licking ensues...



A walk in the moonlight, complete with poetically spouted cliches. Of course, she's dumb enough to fall for it...



At a friend's house, she gets cold feet, and he is concerned. And very hot...





He takes her to Paris. Yes, you heard me right - Paris. A nice sardonic smile at the airport to get her engines running...



Damn, I could do with a little of that eyebrow action, myself.

And we're off!



Take a good look at this next pic. Yes, that is exactly what you think it is. We'll get a closer look as we go along...



Unbeknownst to the sleeping Romeo, his student (because she is still, *ahem*, taking class with him) decides in typically besotted fashion to take some pictures. And so the plot thickens...







That's what I love about Beanie - his utter lack of compunction about dropping trou...







Such hams. Makes you wanna take a big bite, don't it?...









Oh, it's all so romantic! *wrist to forehead*...





Remember, he has no idea he's being photographed.

Later on, a bit of self-reflection...



Mirror, reflection - get it? It's symbolic. Ah well, that's why they pay filmmakers the big bucks, to come up with things like this...



Still though, could this guy get any hotter?

The phone rings while his girlfriend is still in the room. Paul is concerned - could it be his wife?...



False alarm! Back to the nookie...



After more joyful rolling in the hay, Paul lies around like a big useless lion licking his chops...



Whoops, it's getting late. Time to get back to the ol' ball and chain...



She's disappointed, he's apologetic...



She actually has the nerve to say about his wife, "I care about her, too. I don't want to hurt her!"

Then bitch, why are you fucking her husband?...



Paul follows up with a load of self-serving horseshit doused in the cheap perfume of sincerity. You know the drill: "I love my wife, but I'm in love with you."

Yeah, right...



Things move along. Much emotion. Several weeks and some scenes go by. She almost spills the beans to his wife...



He begs her to back off, because in the interim he has decided that he'd really rather stick around at home. She has taught him that fidelity is key! Oh, what a revelation!

Didn't see that one coming, did you?...



She lobs a parting shot: "I won't take it out on her, but I'll take it out on you!" Apparently this hits home...



And she does indeed. How does she get back at him? Well, remember those pretty pics? Get this: she uses them as the basis of her final project at school, and during a rather clever presentation, she shows them to the whole class. Much whispering and pointing, and embarrassment for Our Hero. Oh, the humanity!

That's what you get for not keeping your pants zipped, buddy...



But surprise! As just one example of the sterling quality of this script, despite the notoriously insular nature of university life, and the fact that his whole class saw these pics, his wife never finds out.

Half a second here, gotta get my eyes. I think they rolled under the desk...ah! Found 'em. Lemme just pop 'em back in here...

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. At a wedding later on (more symbolism - can your brain stand it?), Paul finds out that Rose (that's the girlfriend) has published a book of photographs, reportedly rather racy ones. Uh-oh. A cause for concern...



Does the book include any of those rather revealing portraits? Will his reputation be ruined? Does anybody care?! You'll have to watch the film to find out.

Personally, having gotten these nice caps, I have no intention of watching this turkey again. And don't get the idea that Paul and Rose are the only lead characters in this soap opera fiasco. There are four intertwining stories in this thing. A real tearjerky chick-flick bonanza. Oy.

But Beanie's still luscious.



Hope you've enjoyed this little adventure. If you like the pics, you'd best snap 'em up now, as Photobucket is pissy about nudity and may yank 'em. ;)



*(Thanks to Undone for that quite tasty and fitting adjective.)

Comments

[semyaza.livejournal.com]

Hot donuts. Yum. :P~~

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Argh. I can't eat donuts anymore. I think my days of enjoying fried bread and sugar are pretty much over. Tried one the other day and had to throw most of it out. Guess I'm gettin' old.

[semyaza.livejournal.com]

The combination of refined starch and fat just trashes my digestive system. I had chicken strips and fries last week from sheer desperation (long story) and it took me a day to recover. But in this case I was thinking more of Beanie's donuts. :)

[samena.livejournal.com]

Mullet alert! But Bean, being Bean, gets away with it. And curses on strategically placed flower arrangements and bed-sheets. ;D But he really does have a very nice arse... heh.

Great pics, Serai! Thanks for posting them!!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Ah, I don't immediately discount mullets. Can't stand the really ugly Southern-fried redneck kind with the shaved sides and greasy tails, but the kind of cut Bean has in this film is ok. I don't even identify this cut as a mullet, because it's mostly the same length all the way around, just a little shorter around his forehead. This looks more to me like one of those shaggy '70s California rocker do's.

I don't think we'll ever get to see Little Sean, though. *sigh*

[jlw-67.livejournal.com]

Actually, Little Sean shows a bit in 'Lady Chatterly's Lover', 'When Saturday Comes', and you can just get a glimps if you squint when he's in the bathtub after getting best up in 'Stormy Monday'. I tend to look for and keep track of that; I'm called the 'HeadWench' for more than one reason...lol ;D

[jlw-67.livejournal.com]

Oooops, that's supposed to say 'beat up' not 'best up'. I even proof-read that!! *facepalm* Just goes to show how that man distracts me!

[goldberry-b.livejournal.com]

LOL !! you are so brilliant!

me thinks you should have a web site for this type of delicious mix Seria snark and hotties ..

I hope I get a chance to see this one :)

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie! I've always wanted to be a movie reviewer.

Good luck on seeing it. It really does suck awfully hard. Tons of angsting from people who are just too dumb to tell the people who are torturing them to fuck off. And then there's Teresa Russell...oy. *eyeroll*

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

Don't need to watch the movie. Seen all the goodies I need to see with these photos. He was cute, yeah, but I think he's even better now that he's got a few miles on him. He was never hotter than he was as Boromir.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

He was pretty hot as Boromir, but to be honest, I prefer him with his own hair. Long or short, I think the color suits him better, and the texture is prettier, too. And we never got to see Boromir's ass, either.

But yes, you do not need to see this turkey. ;)

[elasg.livejournal.com]

LOL! Thanks for this very watchable scenery. I think you've capped all the reason I would ever consider watching that flick. hehehe! You've provided me with quite a time savings. LOL!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. Yeah, this is about it. There are a couple of other nice shots (the one of Beanie by torchlight is particularly fetching), but unfortunately they're the kinds of shots that look great in the film but don't work at all when you cap the image. Sometimes the individual frames don't work by themselves.

[celandine-g.livejournal.com]

Wow, thanks for sharing. That cheered up a somewhat frustrating Friday afternoon. Yes, quite cheery indeed (or should I say cheeky). :)

Loved your commentary too. Have a great weekend!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I'm glad I could cheer up your Friday!

[marigold6.livejournal.com]

Yay for the British uninhibitedness about showing their "ass-ets" [note icon of Mr. Monaghan] - and the truly great things is - they aren't manips!! It's all real Beanie, baby!!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Yes! You know, manips can be fun but their hotness factor is severely limited for me. I get inured to them after a while because, let's face it, they're completely fake, and you're not really seeing anything at all. It's like eating $2 a gallon crap ice cream when what you really want is Marianne's Cinnamon Caramel Dream. I'd rather dream about the real thing than content myself with a fake, no matter how clever.

And judging from your icon, Dom's got a much nicer ass than Beanie, whose butt is kind of flat. Dom looks like he's got a nice double handful there. :p~~~

[notabluemaia.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. Lovely way to start *any* day! Thanks, Serai, for pics and the great comments.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! Glad you enjoyed it.

[lurea-aure.livejournal.com]

Love the one of Bean in front of the mirror! Wow!

I can't help wondering why all those flowers are on the bed, though. Wouldn't that be a little hard on the knees? And the back?

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Well, you see, they're in Paris, "the capitol of romance" (he really called it that), and he's just so in love that he spontaneously bought her not one, not two, but a whole double armful of flower bouquets.

Smarmy cliches? Nah, we're all out of those.

[ladysunrope.livejournal.com]

Half a second here, gotta get my eyes. I think they rolled under the desk...ah! Found 'em. Lemme just pop 'em back in here...

best. commentary. ever.

Bean only gets my heart going when he's in uniform as Sharpe. Oh boy.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

*grin* Many thanks! You've now got my brain buzzing with the idea of making snarky audio commetaries a la MST3K to post on LJ. Heehee!

[luthienaogondor.livejournal.com]

Well.
I was going to rent this movie. xD Not so sure about that, now. Prob'ly will, because, well, he's in it.
But, still. xD Yay pics!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Well, it is Sean, and he is hot, so I'd say it's worth one viewing at least. But I'd handle it at the end of a stick, if I were you. lolol

[luthienaogondor.livejournal.com]

I'll probably watch it and have huge giggle fits, and, of course, drooling fits over Sean. xD

Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!

[colleenwhalen.livejournal.com]

Your captions were hilarious! In fact your captions were much better than watching the movie. I remember reading in an interview Sean said he was EMBARRASSED by this film. You're right it's pretty bad but because I'm bonkers about Beano, after watching it the first time - I just watched the Sean scenes with the fast forward button. The dialogue is so fatuous its impossible to sit through it twice.

IMHO "A Woman's Guide to Adultery" isn't Sean's most craptaculous film, it has to be the excreble "Airborne". I think he did that right after the dry spell when he didn't work for one year, because no one would hire him due to his being typecast after the "Sharpe" series ended. I figure he did "Airborne" because he had a wife and kids to support and just wanted to work?

Serai1 - can you do captions for "Airborne" - your sense of humour is terrific. If you don't have the movie you can buy it for 49 cents online. It lasted about 5 minutes in theatres then was pulled and disappeared. It was filmed in about 10 days in Canada. It's an action movie with Steve Guttenberg as the action hero - need I say more? There are some scenes on an army base and they planes look like Tonka Toys, remember those 1950's Japanese science fiction movies - a lizard is filmed to look like the Godzilla dinosaur?. Well, thats sort of how cheesy "Airborne" is - I bet you could do some very funny captions for it - unfortunately no bare Bean Butt in it to redeem the film.

Thanks,

Colleen

Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!

[jlw-67.livejournal.com]

I've never seen this one or 'Airborne', but, if we're talking craptacular, the only redeeming quality of 'The Big Empty' was Sean in that black cowboy outfit. I have a thing for cowboys; if Sean and Viggo Mortensen ever both stood in front of me dressed as cowboys, I really and truely would die, but, very happily.

Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!

[(Anonymous)]

I agree, this was very clever and the screencaps of Sean, well, what can I say, he's so hot. You should post this at The Might Bean as well, they would truly appreciate your humor, not to mention the pictures.

Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Can I get a link for that? I have no idea where to find it. Is it an LJ comm?

Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Ahaha. Thanks! I really enjoyed doing this post. Reviewing films is one of my hobbies, and getting to roll up my sleeves and attack a spoiled herring like this one is a delight.

Oh gods, Airborne. I actually did have that on DVD a few years ago. Kept it long enough to realize what I had bought, then wrapped it in a plastic bag to keep the oozing detritus off my hands, and placed it on eBay, careful to handle it with a long stick, you bet. What an utter mountain of crap THAT was.

If I get the time, I'll do a post about that one. I'm actually considering doing recorded commentaries that you can play along with the films, ala MST3K. If I do, Airborne would definitely be on the list.

Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!

[colleenwhalen.livejournal.com]

Goody-goody gumdrops! Yeah, I liked that part about "oozing detrius" and "handle with a long stick" - "Airborne" was maybe the very worst film made in the history of cinema - in fact it made that Mariah Carey flop "Glitter" look like Oscar Academy Award winner material!

If you could do captions for a good movie like "Lady Chatterly" that would be cool, especially the racy scenes - Serai1, everyone is so glad you are here to enterain us with your droll and humourous captions!

Colleen

Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Oh by the way, I cannot tell you how GLAD I am to hear Beanie considers this film an embarrassment. I'd hoped he wasn't proud of it, but you never know with actors. Good to hear he's got a brain, at least about his films.

Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!

[colleenwhalen.livejournal.com]

The interview I read when Sean talked about "A Womans Guide to Adultery" - he said it was supposed to be a theatrical release, but the producers ran out of money in the development process, so that is when they slapped it together into a cheesy TV movie. Sean said he needed the work - I think it was around 1993 or 1994? (it was before he was a big star) and he thinks the movie is "crap" that was his quote!

Colleen

WOW

[ladysierra.livejournal.com]

I AM impressed with the Beanage!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: WOW

[serai1.livejournal.com]

*bows*

The Sacred Arse

[dakcarm.livejournal.com]

Oh my my my. Sean Bean has the tighest little behind. So much would love to take a bite of it.

[luthienbono.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, thanks for these pics, and your very amusing comments! I'm now drowning in a pool of my own drool, what a way to go.....