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How's about a spot of Beanage?
A Woman's Guide to Adultery is a rather craptacular film.* A Lifetime-type melodrama about desperate women having affairs with married men, it's all pretty banal and sordid, if you ask me. Any film that asserts "Even the worst kind of love is better than being alone" - um, no. (I shit you not, that is a line from the film.)
But it's got one redeeming feature - Sean Bean. Granted, he plays a philandering photography teacher who clearly thinks too much of himself (gods, the self-important bullshit he spouts about "the sudden heedlessness of love" - oh, blow me, dude), but he's still a babe.
And so, let us indulge in a bit of ogling, shall we?
Warning: Some of the following is Not Work-Safe.
First off, we have a few basic closeups to establish that, although Paul is a bit of a slimeball who treats the student body as a smorgasbord, he is still very easy on the eyes.
The initial glance across the crowded room...
Do I hear music?
...Don't stand, don't stand...
...Don't stand so close to me...
Here he's putting the moves on Teresa Russell. Yeah, I don't think much of his taste either...
He takes her out for hot donuts. Much finger-licking ensues...
A walk in the moonlight, complete with poetically spouted cliches. Of course, she's dumb enough to fall for it...
At a friend's house, she gets cold feet, and he is concerned. And very hot...
He takes her to Paris. Yes, you heard me right - Paris. A nice sardonic smile at the airport to get her engines running...
Damn, I could do with a little of that eyebrow action, myself.
And we're off!
Take a good look at this next pic. Yes, that is exactly what you think it is. We'll get a closer look as we go along...
Unbeknownst to the sleeping Romeo, his student (because she is still, *ahem*, taking class with him) decides in typically besotted fashion to take some pictures. And so the plot thickens...
That's what I love about Beanie - his utter lack of compunction about dropping trou...
Such hams. Makes you wanna take a big bite, don't it?...
Oh, it's all so romantic! *wrist to forehead*...
Remember, he has no idea he's being photographed.
Later on, a bit of self-reflection...
Mirror, reflection - get it? It's symbolic. Ah well, that's why they pay filmmakers the big bucks, to come up with things like this...
Still though, could this guy get any hotter?
The phone rings while his girlfriend is still in the room. Paul is concerned - could it be his wife?...
False alarm! Back to the nookie...
After more joyful rolling in the hay, Paul lies around like a big useless lion licking his chops...
Whoops, it's getting late. Time to get back to the ol' ball and chain...
She's disappointed, he's apologetic...
She actually has the nerve to say about his wife, "I care about her, too. I don't want to hurt her!"
Then bitch, why are you fucking her husband?...
Paul follows up with a load of self-serving horseshit doused in the cheap perfume of sincerity. You know the drill: "I love my wife, but I'm in love with you."
Yeah, right...
Things move along. Much emotion. Several weeks and some scenes go by. She almost spills the beans to his wife...
He begs her to back off, because in the interim he has decided that he'd really rather stick around at home. She has taught him that fidelity is key! Oh, what a revelation!
Didn't see that one coming, did you?...
She lobs a parting shot: "I won't take it out on her, but I'll take it out on you!" Apparently this hits home...
And she does indeed. How does she get back at him? Well, remember those pretty pics? Get this: she uses them as the basis of her final project at school, and during a rather clever presentation, she shows them to the whole class. Much whispering and pointing, and embarrassment for Our Hero. Oh, the humanity!
That's what you get for not keeping your pants zipped, buddy...
But surprise! As just one example of the sterling quality of this script, despite the notoriously insular nature of university life, and the fact that his whole class saw these pics, his wife never finds out.
Half a second here, gotta get my eyes. I think they rolled under the desk...ah! Found 'em. Lemme just pop 'em back in here...
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. At a wedding later on (more symbolism - can your brain stand it?), Paul finds out that Rose (that's the girlfriend) has published a book of photographs, reportedly rather racy ones. Uh-oh. A cause for concern...
Does the book include any of those rather revealing portraits? Will his reputation be ruined? Does anybody care?! You'll have to watch the film to find out.
Personally, having gotten these nice caps, I have no intention of watching this turkey again. And don't get the idea that Paul and Rose are the only lead characters in this soap opera fiasco. There are four intertwining stories in this thing. A real tearjerky chick-flick bonanza. Oy.
But Beanie's still luscious.
Hope you've enjoyed this little adventure. If you like the pics, you'd best snap 'em up now, as Photobucket is pissy about nudity and may yank 'em. ;)
*(Thanks to Undone for that quite tasty and fitting adjective.)
But it's got one redeeming feature - Sean Bean. Granted, he plays a philandering photography teacher who clearly thinks too much of himself (gods, the self-important bullshit he spouts about "the sudden heedlessness of love" - oh, blow me, dude), but he's still a babe.
And so, let us indulge in a bit of ogling, shall we?
Warning: Some of the following is Not Work-Safe.
First off, we have a few basic closeups to establish that, although Paul is a bit of a slimeball who treats the student body as a smorgasbord, he is still very easy on the eyes.
The initial glance across the crowded room...
Do I hear music?
...Don't stand, don't stand...
...Don't stand so close to me...
Here he's putting the moves on Teresa Russell. Yeah, I don't think much of his taste either...
He takes her out for hot donuts. Much finger-licking ensues...
A walk in the moonlight, complete with poetically spouted cliches. Of course, she's dumb enough to fall for it...
At a friend's house, she gets cold feet, and he is concerned. And very hot...
He takes her to Paris. Yes, you heard me right - Paris. A nice sardonic smile at the airport to get her engines running...
Damn, I could do with a little of that eyebrow action, myself.
And we're off!
Take a good look at this next pic. Yes, that is exactly what you think it is. We'll get a closer look as we go along...
Unbeknownst to the sleeping Romeo, his student (because she is still, *ahem*, taking class with him) decides in typically besotted fashion to take some pictures. And so the plot thickens...
That's what I love about Beanie - his utter lack of compunction about dropping trou...
Such hams. Makes you wanna take a big bite, don't it?...
Oh, it's all so romantic! *wrist to forehead*...
Remember, he has no idea he's being photographed.
Later on, a bit of self-reflection...
Mirror, reflection - get it? It's symbolic. Ah well, that's why they pay filmmakers the big bucks, to come up with things like this...
Still though, could this guy get any hotter?
The phone rings while his girlfriend is still in the room. Paul is concerned - could it be his wife?...
False alarm! Back to the nookie...
After more joyful rolling in the hay, Paul lies around like a big useless lion licking his chops...
Whoops, it's getting late. Time to get back to the ol' ball and chain...
She's disappointed, he's apologetic...
She actually has the nerve to say about his wife, "I care about her, too. I don't want to hurt her!"
Then bitch, why are you fucking her husband?...
Paul follows up with a load of self-serving horseshit doused in the cheap perfume of sincerity. You know the drill: "I love my wife, but I'm in love with you."
Yeah, right...
Things move along. Much emotion. Several weeks and some scenes go by. She almost spills the beans to his wife...
He begs her to back off, because in the interim he has decided that he'd really rather stick around at home. She has taught him that fidelity is key! Oh, what a revelation!
Didn't see that one coming, did you?...
She lobs a parting shot: "I won't take it out on her, but I'll take it out on you!" Apparently this hits home...
And she does indeed. How does she get back at him? Well, remember those pretty pics? Get this: she uses them as the basis of her final project at school, and during a rather clever presentation, she shows them to the whole class. Much whispering and pointing, and embarrassment for Our Hero. Oh, the humanity!
That's what you get for not keeping your pants zipped, buddy...
But surprise! As just one example of the sterling quality of this script, despite the notoriously insular nature of university life, and the fact that his whole class saw these pics, his wife never finds out.
Half a second here, gotta get my eyes. I think they rolled under the desk...ah! Found 'em. Lemme just pop 'em back in here...
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. At a wedding later on (more symbolism - can your brain stand it?), Paul finds out that Rose (that's the girlfriend) has published a book of photographs, reportedly rather racy ones. Uh-oh. A cause for concern...
Does the book include any of those rather revealing portraits? Will his reputation be ruined? Does anybody care?! You'll have to watch the film to find out.
Personally, having gotten these nice caps, I have no intention of watching this turkey again. And don't get the idea that Paul and Rose are the only lead characters in this soap opera fiasco. There are four intertwining stories in this thing. A real tearjerky chick-flick bonanza. Oy.
But Beanie's still luscious.
Hope you've enjoyed this little adventure. If you like the pics, you'd best snap 'em up now, as Photobucket is pissy about nudity and may yank 'em. ;)
*(Thanks to Undone for that quite tasty and fitting adjective.)
Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!
IMHO "A Woman's Guide to Adultery" isn't Sean's most craptaculous film, it has to be the excreble "Airborne". I think he did that right after the dry spell when he didn't work for one year, because no one would hire him due to his being typecast after the "Sharpe" series ended. I figure he did "Airborne" because he had a wife and kids to support and just wanted to work?
Serai1 - can you do captions for "Airborne" - your sense of humour is terrific. If you don't have the movie you can buy it for 49 cents online. It lasted about 5 minutes in theatres then was pulled and disappeared. It was filmed in about 10 days in Canada. It's an action movie with Steve Guttenberg as the action hero - need I say more? There are some scenes on an army base and they planes look like Tonka Toys, remember those 1950's Japanese science fiction movies - a lizard is filmed to look like the Godzilla dinosaur?. Well, thats sort of how cheesy "Airborne" is - I bet you could do some very funny captions for it - unfortunately no bare Bean Butt in it to redeem the film.
Thanks,
Colleen
Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!
Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!
(Anonymous) 2008-01-21 11:42 pm (UTC)(link)Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!
Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!
Oh gods, Airborne. I actually did have that on DVD a few years ago. Kept it long enough to realize what I had bought, then wrapped it in a plastic bag to keep the oozing detritus off my hands, and placed it on eBay, careful to handle it with a long stick, you bet. What an utter mountain of crap THAT was.
If I get the time, I'll do a post about that one. I'm actually considering doing recorded commentaries that you can play along with the films, ala MST3K. If I do, Airborne would definitely be on the list.
Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!
If you could do captions for a good movie like "Lady Chatterly" that would be cool, especially the racy scenes - Serai1, everyone is so glad you are here to enterain us with your droll and humourous captions!
Colleen
Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!
Re: Serai1 - I'm Glad You Joined This Group!
Colleen