Desktop - Tulip's kiss

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A conundrum

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I have an interesting little problem which I'd like to get opinions on, if people have anything to say. This is especially germane for anyone who's got stuff posted on AO3 or other big sites.

LOTR was not the first fandom I wrote in. For a couple of years before that, I was writing in the Keanu fandom. It was all het, mostly character-based but some RPF. (In the Keanu fandom, it was basically ALL wish fulfillment fantasy, so nobody cared about that whole Mary Sue business. All that mattered was that it was good, whatever it was.) The gals reading my stuff did like it a lot, and I had a lot of fun with it.

(Side note: When I talk about My Muse? Keanu is the default. He dresses up as different guys - the latest one is obvious to all of you, I'm thinking - but in between times, when whatever obsession I've got fades off, He goes back to being that pretty half-breed Dorian Gray figure, with the down-pillow voice and restless hands and utterly spectacular smile. (Seriously, you have no idea of the wattage. It's a "you gotta be there" thing. It's blinding.) Before Keanu came along, it had been nearly ten years since I had crushed on a guy, so he kinda reset my clock, I guess. Regardless, when my Muse wanders back in after a dry time, that is the outfit he's wearing. Just FYI.)

So I've got this cache of stuff I wrote which is nowhere else on the web. Originally it went out through a Yahoo group that's defunct, then a few pieces went up here and there at friends' sites, which are also all gone now. So I'm thinking I'd like to post the stuff.

The question is how.

I'm very fond of these pieces. I think they're hot - they certainly got me off, they got other people off, and rereading some of them, I still get off on them. I think the ones that I would post (because I wouldn't post them all, oh no way, some are way too personal) would be enjoyable for anyone looking for that stuff. The thing is, I don't know if I want to embrace that earlier identity, to connect it with the handle I have now. I have no idea why I balk at this because frankly, who gives a shit? I really shouldn't think it's important, but somehow it is.

But then I think of the people I liked in that fandom, and how cool it would be if one of them was still around in it and bumped up against my stories. I think of how terribly much I miss Cat, and how great Shell's sci-fi porn was, and how comforting Chrys was when Nyquil went after me, and how Red and I would bounce bits of our MAAN fics at each other, and I get sad at how we lose each other, you know?

So I'm in a quandary here. Should I post them and risk having my handle connected with what would likely be seen as Mary Sue nonsense? Or should I keep them back to myself and risk losing the tiny chance of reconnection? It's not a life-changing decision, but it's something that's been hanging there for some time now.

Because I really do like those stories.

Any thoughts?

Scream - Z/C, PG-13, (NC-17 song)

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The song is part of this, so you know.

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Scream
by Serai


You’re my silence.
You stop my mouth.
The words want to find you,
but because of you
I can’t let them out.
They batter at my skull,
crying to be set free.
I keep them caged,
safe, where their wings
won’t shatter the balance
we’ve achieved. Forget
the sound of words,
your eyes tell me. Stay
here in the darkness
with me. And I want to
disappear, stilled like a cry.

You’re my silence,
I’m your scream.

Silence me.

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Chapter 24 of High Contrast
Chapter 25
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