serai | OK, feeling sad today

I need some strokes.

Those who know me know that I don't usually go in for crying in public (at least outside of an LOTR screening). My depressive side is something I tend to keep private, mainly because, let's face it, who the fuck wants to hear about it?

But I guess this has been building up for some time, cause this morning it's just spilling over to the point where I wanna get some kind words. I know, I know, it's childish and sad, but I can't help it.

There ain't a whole lot I do on the web anymore. I used to gad about message boards, socializing and giggling and snarking and having a great time, but that phase eased off. Now mostly I'm on LJ, and that's almost all because of writing. It's my only creative outlet anymore, and I treasure it, both writing and reading the stuff other fan writers come up with. I try hard to come up with good pieces, and I comment and give praise whenever something I read gives me pleasure. (Although there have been a couple of stories that have hit me so hard that I couldn't comment, no matter how wonderful the writing. Don't know why that is.)

Apparently my stuff does please some folks. I've had lovely feedback from readers, and thank you all so much for your kindness and enthusiasm for my ramblings. It's so nice to know that my words bring some happiness - I write for myself, but it's always in the back of my mind that maybe what I write will brighten someone's day.

So why is it I feel so ignored and left out sometimes?

I've only ever made one rec list, that of a friend who posted her faves on her LJ. When award time comes around, I never get any noms. I'm never mentioned when good writers are being discussed (at least not that I've seen or heard about) - the only exception I can think of is one or two very close friends who are kind enough to mention me. My stories don't come up in rec sites or get-togethers when people post the stuff they really like. I get such nice reactions when I post my fics, yet it never seems to last.

Why doesn't anyone remember me?

And why is it that the writers I really admire, the ones whose work drew me into fandom writing in the first place, all ignore me? (With one exception - thank you, dear

willow_wode.) Why do they treat me like some buzzing fly to be swatted aside, or never acknowledge that I can write at all? I don't have any great confidence in my abilities, but I know that I have enough talent to make my stuff at least readable. So why am I shoved aside by these people, as if I were some little kid not worth the time of day?

I know this is pathetic and stupid, and I hate it when I come across people who whine and moan about such things. That's why I've never made a post like this before, why I keep these feelings to myself, or only talk about them privately. I don't like burdening other people with my feelings of sadness or isolation.

But I can't keep this in anymore, and the latest straw is breaking this camel's back. I don't have any intention of ceasing my writing, and I know a lot of this is probably my own problem, but I can't help it. I'm just feeling really left out and sad. Could somebody please talk to me about this, because I'm sitting here crying and not knowing why about any of it, least of all why it should matter to me as much as it does.

I'm sorry if any of this makes anyone roll their eyes. It's not something I like to indulge in, but...you know.

Later: Thank you folks so much for your kind words. It's really helping a lot. RL took me away for most of the day, and I've decided to walk up the street and catch ROTK again this evening. I need to remind myself of why I'm in this in the first place. I will answer more comments when I return later tonight. :)

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad? - Moby

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

danachan.livejournal.com

Oh, gee, I don't know what to say. Other than that I feel like this all the time. I think I do all right, yes, I know I am not near to being the greatest, but I am not as bad as some, and yet... I feel like anything and everything I do is pretty worthless and forgettable and... and sometimes I wonder why I do it at all. I'm here because of something I love and enjoy, right? So why does it cause me so much pain...

And I could just go on and on but I won't but instead, just know that you get nothing but sympathy and understanding from me. Because I feel like this all the time.

*hugs*

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Thank you, dana! It's nice to know other people understand this feeling, and that I'm not just being whiny. (That's kinda hard to see from the inside.) It's tough to put stuff out there when my confidence level isn't very high, the more so because it feels so uncool to get sad like this, and even worse to talk about it. But it helps so much to hear you say I'm not alone. *sniff* *smile*

You're being so generous with your help and all, thanks extra for the hugs. *hugs back*

From:

danachan.livejournal.com

Ah, you're welcome. *hugs more, because she can* And I... well, I just know just how it is. I feel like this all the time, and I really would rather prefer it if the 'net doesn't learn just how depressing this all can be, and how depressing their lack of interest can be. And it is good to know you're not alone. Because you're not. And I'll not ever think you're whining (though I think I'm whining all the time, but, heh, that's just because it's me. You know what I mean?)

*more hugs* Just take care.

From:

westmoon.livejournal.com

*strokes, hugs and kisses you*

I don't know what to say. I'm a reader, not a writer, and I'm terrible about giving feedback. You're one of my favourite writers, but you'd probably never guess that, given the fact that I rarely tell you. :(

If most people are like me, we take you for granted. We assume writers like you are always there, will continue to inspire us and make us laugh, cry, think (or perve), and that you don't need the likes of us to keep you going.

I tend to be pretty passive online - I take it all in, and rarely give back. And that's not something I'm proud of, and it's a fault I need to work on. No excuses.

But I do think online life is much like real life; certain people will always be popular, regardless of whether they deserve it or not, and the slights they offer will always be more noticeable simply because they ARE more in the limelight. My non-response is (I'm sure) easily ignored. A big name doing the same thing is not.

I don't know what I can say to make you feel better, except that you ARE appreciated, and admired. By me, and by others who I see comment in your journal on a regular basis.

Maybe we all need to try a little harder to connect with each other. It's the times we go above and beyond the expected that mean the most, and make the time we spend online meaningful. And it's important that we remind ourselves of this on a regular basis.

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Thank you,

westmoon. It's not been so much the feedback that I do or don't get. (That which I get has all been wonderful, and that which I don't, well, who cares?) I was just feeling all depressed about never showing up on rec sites and nomination lineups - the lack of confetti, I guess. It's kind of shallow, but I've never been a popular person, and I suppose I feel envious of that. *pout* *slaps self*

That and I think I'd look stunning in a tiara and ermine-lined cape. But the heels would probably make me trip on the runway.

Thanks for hugs. *sigh* :)

From:

elanorgardner.livejournal.com

You know something, I think all of us are going through something like this right now. It may be more related to post-ROTK than anything. Darn if I can figure it out, but it is certainly happening to me. I figure it is combo January (lack of Vitamin D), post-ROTK (what comes after?), post-holidays, BLAHS. BUT -

I know I commented on your lovely fic about Cookie Monster!! I know I did. I loved it, I did. I really did. I know I am not a big name person, but I did comment. And on your "I'll Have No More of It!" I really like your stuff! So much so that at one point I considered asking you if you wanted a Guest Room on my site, but I thought you might be upset that I don't take RPS there so I didn't!!!

And I know I owe you a ficlet or drabble on "OK". I have been warming up my short fic skills of late and bounced an idea or two off of Willow for that one, as a matter of fact. I was waiting for some time to pass after "Lying in Bed" so people wouldn't think I was plagiarizing or copycatting. Nope, just fulfilling a required penance!!

So I guess this is a "know how you feel, feel the same way at the moment" kind of post. My dear friends and cousins (thanks ConnieMarie!) tell me to "hang in there, this too will pass!" Willow would tell you the same thing, having lived through it herself, I am sure, many times. HANG IN THERE SERAI!!!!!!

You wanna bring your FPS ficcies and come live in a Green Door Guest Room for a while?

Elanorelle

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Thank you, hon, I so appreciate it! I've read your comments, and been so glad for every one. Like I posted to

westmoon above, it's not the comments I've gotten or not gotten. It's just a problem I have with my own value, I guess.

And thank you for the offer of space on your site! I must say I've wished for a spot. But Dana, Shirasade and Green Ghost are helping me set up a space now (hurray!), and it's just a matter of my getting my lazy ass in gear to pull it together. With a little more effort on my part, it should be up soon. Then I can get all depressed about not getting noticed for that! LOL

PS. Oh, goodie! I do look forward to that OK thingie. Your stuff is so damn charming, I love reading it every time!

From:

singeaddams.livejournal.com

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

We all feel that way from time to time. Insecurity bites. But I will tell you what I told Dana not too long ago...cream will rise. Good stories are good stories and they will last and gather momentum while the dreck falls away. My own story 'Blindfold,' the most well-received fic I've put out in this fandom, started out slow but has been steadily growing in popularity. Just when I had forgotten all about it, boom, folks took off with it. It's been very gratifying.

To make a long, self-indulgent story short, things take time. Have faith in yourself and in the work you do. Take chances. Have fun. Most importantly, don't worry about what other people think, especially those BNFs. Why try to grab their attention? Aren't they egotistical enough? (And Willow Wode IS an exception. She's a doll, even when I pick at her, poor thing.)

Most important of all, BE YOUR OWN FAN. If awards and recs mean so much to you then nominate yourself. Rec yourself. Stroke and pet and love yourself and call yourself George. Of course that's being cocky but where's the harm? Fanfic is a HOBBY, and it's supposed to be FUN. If it ain't fun anymore then stop.

Life is too short to make yourself miserable.

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Auntie, and the slap upside the head! I had thought about nominating myself, etc., but a part of me answers back No, that's cheating. I guess I'm just taking all this stuff too seriously. :)

Blindfold is one of my favorite fics, by the way. What a beautiful FSR setup! It gave me the oomph to really listen when Sam gave me the angry rant that became I'll Have No More of It, to hear it as a viable story rather than just a string of thoughts. Yay for hot snogging hobbits! :)

From:

singeaddams.livejournal.com

You sound like you're feeling better. Good!

Nominating yourself is nothing. You're just putting something out there for others' consideration. Besides, the folks who run whatever contest you're up for, and the voters, are the ones that are making the final call on your fic.

And I didn't know 'Blindfold' inspired you! Thank you, that's wonderful! Snogging hobbits ARE a powerful thing.

From:

isildae.livejournal.com

I've been feeling the same way lately (you can read my LJ to prove it)

I don't know you, but I have read your fiction and I can tell you that its really very good and you shouldn't doubt that.

Its been tough for fandom lately but I think were all going to work through this and make it better.

I know what it is to feel ignored or unappreciated, and plainly it Sucks! I just want you to know that a lot of people do appreciate you and your work.

I'm friending you if you don't mind, you don't have to friend me back.

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Thank you so much for your kind words. Yeah, it seems a number of people are going through some weird stuff right now (see

teasel's problems with anti-slashers). ROTK has caused some darker stuff to bubble up to the surface, I think. Not completely unexpected, but still not a pleasant thing to deal with. For me, these kinds of feelings come up now and then and are part of my own state of mind, which is why I avoid expressing them publicly. But it's been really wonderful to get all this support.

And of course you can friend me, thanks! I'm friending you back. :)

From:

gullygilly.livejournal.com

Just kidding. No really. You are an excellent writer. One the reasons I joined the communities I did was because I knew both you and the Princess contributed to them. Being the discriminating personalities that you are, I knew they had value.

So, I'll rub your feet instead of pat your head. What is popularity anyway? I mean a pat on the head is great, but I would rather write what pleases me. I've tried it in the past and my writing suffered. Keep true to your own technique.

I never liked slash (or gave it much of a chance) until you e-mailed your work to me. Your writing far more complex than most that's out there (frankly a lot of it is crap-- sorry if I've offended some of you) and got me interested in the genre. Your writing is exceptional-- and may be a bit above what some of the readers may be used to reading in slashdom. *runs fast before her ass gets kicked

I've got a closet full of rejection slips. For every 100 no's I have one acceptance. Don't feel bad. I admit I came here to get my head patted once in a while. After years of having my nose broke from having a door slammed in my face, I can at least get some enjoyment from my writing. I spent two years of my life writing the last novel only to have some dumb f*ck publisher tell me the main character should be more like "Princess Di"-- I told him to go screw himself. I wondered if his last job was working for the National Enquirer.

Now I'm ranting instead of you. Sorry.

I love you writing. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Thanks, gully! I'm so happy to know that my stories led you to feel more comfortable with slash, and I'm flattered that you find my words of such value. I do sweat hard over my pieces, trying not to tread ground that others have covered before me, and it's nice to know there's a distinctive voice to them.

Oy, rejection slips. Several people have prodded me towards trying to get some of my writing published (Spike brings it up regularly), but I'm such a wuss about editors and rejections. It's why I almost never use a beta - inefficient, I know, but the thought of someone else telling me "This is wrong, fix it"...I'm not quite ready for that. Heh, which is funny coming from someone who actually likes to act as a beta. ("Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes." - Harlan Ellison)

By the way, I've gotten a couple of emails about this post. Seems you're not the only TORnsib I've turned onto slash!

Ssssss... hhhhaaaa.... sssss... you will join the Dark Side... sss... hhhhhaaaa..."

From:

gullygilly.livejournal.com

Yo! Dark is good. I do dark.

Glad to know I'm not the only TORnsib who's turned. Also glad you're getting stroked (bad pun intended).

go serai

gg

From:

europanya.livejournal.com

I've been nudging you a few times about having a little get-together in da OC. I'm unemployed, the time is ripe for me to socialize. Elderberry Wine's been asking about you, too. I met up with her for the first time last week. She's a real sweetheart.

As far as your writing goes, I haven't seen much of it. I'm not certain where you post or when or if I missed something while I was sucked into the big black hole of deadlines I've now been fired from. Blech. The world sucks, but hobbits always make me smile. We can smile together. Hook up!

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Yeah, I'm into it. Let's have a get-together soon. I've been working weekends lately, but I'm sure we can figure a time when we're all free. It'd be great!

At the moment, my fics are archived here on my Memories page: http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=serai1. My photomanips are there, too. A website is in progress and should be up soon. I've enjoyed reading your stories so much - you've got that great talent with plot that I just don't have, and which I envy whenever I see it!

From:

europanya.livejournal.com

Cool! I think next week will be good for me. Where/when would you like to hook up? Huntington Beach? Newport? The beach, a mall? Another showing of ROTK. I'm feeling the pangs...

Congrats on the website, having a place everybody knows they can go to find you always makes a big difference. *g*

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Hey, I'm sorry I dragged on replying to you here. If you're still into going to ROTK together, it looks like I'm free tomorrow night. Wanna hook up and go cry a lot? :)

*hugs*

From:

europanya.livejournal.com

Serai!

Sorry I vanished there. I got my job back (you can read the long version of what happened on my LJ) but I've been just sucked back into non-stop work. I'll be slammed until we get the March issue out, days nights, weekends, the works. I'm happy to be working again, but also a bit panicked! I'll drop you a line when things chill a bit!

From:

willow-wode.livejournal.com

It's when the ones that don't whine ten times a day DO cry out that it becomes a matter of importance. And I'm sorry that you're feeling badly enough that you have to cry out--I totally understand how difficult it is to make this sort of public plea. Which is why I'm going to post this to you publicly as opposed to email you privately (which normally I'd be prone to do with such a soulful and personal thing).

The vagaries of 'popularity' still astound me. How is it that a hack like Danielle Steel makes million of dollars, and self-indulgent tripe such as The Horse Whisperer was on the bestseller list and got a movie made from it? Or that Elijah Wood's incredibly-natural ability as an actor is constantly shunted aside over more 'showy' performances?

And within our own sphere, how is it that total crap gets scads of reviews and well-written fics do not? How is it that stories that are truly repulsive and shallow get accolauded, while well-deserving, thoughtful fics--such as yours, my dear Serai--do not get the notice they deserve?

It does make you want to go flush your head in the toilet, I know. If it makes you feel any better, I don't get a great amount of feedback, either. The latest award nominations blew me the hell away. I mean it. Totally blew me away. I came to a decision long ago that I was never going to be a 'popular' writer, but nevertheless I was going to write what I was compelled to write, and do my damnedest to make it sing and hone it well. It's often a very solitary place, this inner portal that we have to open all on our own. And when a writer feels that she's throwing her work into a black hole, it is hard. Very hard.

And you have the truth of it: you can't stop writing. And you won't. For which I'm selfishly glad. *grin*

Your work has value. It has a maturity and a depth and a wholesome layering that sings. It is not gratuitous, or playing on a wide band of specious and easy-to-spark emotions or urges. It is real. It makes people think. And unfortunately, as the above comparisons prove, most people don't like to do that! ;)

(And I'm so glad that you feel I am not ignoring you! *smiles* Even if I rather suck at correspondence!)

As to BNFs and their penchant for swatting at flies? Maybe they're afraid that too persistent a fly might take the buzz away from themselves. Long, loooong ago we used to have a snide nickname for BNFs-- (particularly the 'self-proclaimed' ones, which has always cracked me up *g*) we called them bMf, meaning Big Mouth Fan. 'Cause that is what they often are--just squeaky wheels that spin too much air and get too much grease. ;)

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

How is it that a hack like Danielle Steel makes million of dollars, and self-indulgent tripe such as The Horse Whisperer was on the bestseller list and got a movie made from it?

Ay, don't I know it. But whenever I think that - so much crap gets applauded, why doesn't mine? - there's the part of me that answers with something along the lines of your stuff sucks, why should anyone want to read it? A lot of this isn't realism or logic, but my own waves of depression overtaking me, which is why I don't usually say anything, and why I consider this outburst childish. That voice is very harsh, but it's also inside my own head, and it doesn't notice whether it's speaking truth or not.

Which is why I'm so grateful for friends like you. It means a lot to me (as I'm sure you know yourself) when good writers like my work, cause that includes me in that circle, a place I've always wanted to be, whatever the genre or style. I've tried a number of creative things in my life, but writing seems to be the only one that really leaps out of me with its own life, and it's my great joy. Perhaps it's because it comes out so energetically that I don't consider myself to have any great talent - I've never had the feeling that I write any of it. Rather it feels as if I'm given these things by my Muse, and all I do is take dictation and clean it up a little.

Then again, maybe I'm just pullin' me own weed here.

Ay, lass. Time to stop waterin' and get back to plantin'. You and I've a thing or two to talk over, if you take my meanin'.

You're right, Sam. Enough weeping. :)

Thanks, Willow! *hug*

From:

trilliah.livejournal.com

I know how that goes, but then I've no excuse, because I don't really write that much.

But hey, you INSPIRED me--ME--to write! Darkfic, nonetheless! Doesn't that mean sommat? :)

*hugs you really hard* It's the ones who can stand patiently out of the limelight and STILL never fail to amaze that I admire the most. *kiss*

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Thanks,

trilliah! I really am honored that my story inspired you. It was so cool to read what you had done with it. This stuff here is my depressive side rearing its head. You know how depression is - everything bad becomes huge and anything good that's happened either pales in significance or dwindles away entirely. Don't think I wasn't overjoyed by your riffing on my story! :)

You know, I was just as weirded out and nervous about posting Black Land when it came to me, as you were about Hidden Wounds, the more so because it was the first LOTR slash I wrote. Man, what a beginning - I felt so cruel to be starting out on such a note with dear Frodo and Sam. But I think I've made it up to them, poor things. :)

From:

karadin.livejournal.com

Well, gosh-whenever I think of the BIG FIVE in hobbitfic you're right up there. I'm surprised, nay astonished that you might have some of the same feelings I do-about being isolated and not 'out there' enough.

I love your stories, they are the first I came across in hobbitfic and in RPS, hell, you could write on making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I would love it. I'm very sorry if youv'e felt left out. I remember how nice you were in standing up for me at a difficult time.

Perhaps a bunch of us, willow, and elanor and trillah, could get together somehow? I'm sorry that you won't be joining me in the guestroom-you could be on rotation to have Frodo on wednesdays and sunday mornings.

You are wonderful, marvelous, awful-nice and paradise and I hope you feel some of the love I'm sending -bless you.

From:

strangerian.livejournal.com

Have come in late (had some virus trouble yesterday and wasn't in contact with e-mail for a while), but maybe I should say anyway, that you contribute a great deal to fandom, as many fans do, by writing incisive short pieces, by commenting, by thoughtful posts on LJ. All these are the stuff of fandom and you can be sure many people (as above) have noticed them, and more have benefitted.

It's a fact of life that awards and recs more often go to longer works and series, so short stories aren't always honored in public as much as they deserve, and qualities like writing intelligent feedback don't win formal prizes. Nevertheless, they are invaluable.

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Thanks! I appreciate that. I've realized that my tendency to write shorter pieces, "snapshots" as Spike calls them, is not as noticeable or flashy as the longer, involved works. And I do enjoy writing semi-essays and analysis posts. Ah well, we all have our talents, I guess. Just can't help a little envy of writers like you,

strangerian, who can find an honest-to-goddess plot and follow it to its proper end, and do it with style. :)

From:

goldilocks-took.livejournal.com

{{{{{{Serai}}}}}}}}}}} strokes hugs, kisses

braids hair.....

oh my brave Serai, I feel just awful about this hon! I never knew you had an inkling of doubts about writing

stop with the burdening us crap, most folks around here are creative souls of one sort or another, we all have these times.. so let it out, someone else will be relieved to not be alone

as far as the recs.. I can honestly say I dont' think your work fits into many catagories (hottest, first time,) that is a compliment of the highest Serai, your work is different .. its how I came to know you on TORn

(do you remember how I was wondering who had written the Yule fic? while I complementing you on another one you wrote? you blushed and said you had written it too! I'll never forget anything you've written love.. your work is powerful stuff.

(that being said, if you ever cont that damn story with the leather strap it will be the hottest fic !!! :P !!!!)

you can write a snippet and it will work its way into my heart.. your old footer from Torn about the harpest?
I'll never forget her

I sometimes (often time) feel the same way about my artwork,only I don't have your self confidence about that.. I've been pretty low myself the past week or so, but I do have my students to force me out of the shell I would like to hide in some days

I realize I'm not one of the folks you are craving to belong to, ( i'm not anyone in the fandom)
but I love you dearly, and believe in you, hope that counts for something

From:

serai1.livejournal.com

Oh honey, thank you so much. All that means the world to me coming from you. Especially about not fitting into categories - I guess that makes my stuff odd for some people, but I don't much care for boxes or labels, as you well know. :)

Wow, the harper - I hadn't thought about her in a while. And the leather strap fic. Yeah, I should try to see if there's any more of that coming.

You know I love your beautiful pictures, and always look forward to seeing how they progress. Maybe there's something in the back of your head for one of my stories, now that I'm gonna have a site? *bats eyelashes*

I realize I'm not one of the folks you are craving to belong to

Oh, crap on that. That was just my depressed little-girl ego crying about not being a Popular Girl. I'd rather have the love of friends like you and the folks here than any fandom Delilah Profitts. I can never thank you enough for the patience you've had with me when I get like this. I love you, honey.

*hughughughughughug*

From:

fyrdrakken

Speaking as one of your fellow ignorees (and as one who came into LotR from a heavy-feedback fandom where I'd actually had time and inclination to be comparatively prolific, so that the change really rankled), I emphathize with the feeling of being on the sidelines. I'm finding LJ to be really the thing for the person like me who wants to read fic (but not every story in the fandom that someone slaps online) and chat with fellow fans (but only the ones I want to talk to) -- the signal-to-noise ratio on mailing lists got pretty bad and I gave up on message boards years ago. Pick-and-choose fandom via friends' lists and filters.

As for the feedback thing, just remember that the people who give the most "feedback" tend to be the folks who hand out "Wonderful story -- give us more!" indiscriminately because they think young writers have fragile egos that need encouraging and / or that all fic is good fic. The most horrific derivative dreck will get good reviews so long as it has something that some people want to hear about and so long as there's plenty of it coming. (There is an unfortunately large segment of fandom that values quantity over quality.) The really good stuff stuns readers into silence because they feel they have nothing to contribute beyond the uninformative "great story!"

From:

bibliotech.livejournal.com

Aww...*hugs and pets*

I can relate. I'm new to writing LoTR fic, but I used to post a lot of original poetry/fic to groups and lists...and no one ever gave me feedback, other than "I don't get it" (and wouldn't say *why*, even when it was the most basic, simple concepts alive), no one ever mentioned me to anyone...it was really irritating. So I said "F*ck it, I'm just going to shower myself with the love."

And I'm very new to the genre that is LoTR. I've been writing and reading the stuff for a few weeks...I think since around Xmas. So I'm going to read some of your stuff, I promise! (I already read the Cookie Monster thingy, which was too funny.)

**

Ohmyfrickingod, you wrote a F/M/P. There's just not enough of that out there. I loveyouloveyouloveyou. And it's *good*, too.

And "I'll Have No More of It"--damndamngood.

Ok, I'll shut up now.