Hollywood meets Hobbiton

[serai]

My excellent good friend Cat and I were chatting today, and we were wondering what LOTR would be like if the cast were all Hollywood A-List performers. Perhaps a concept others have tackled before, but we had fun with it.

So here's our cast listing for the epic three-part Lord of the Rings, as packaged by CAA and William Morris...



Lord of the Rings - The Cast From Hell

Ashton Kutcher as Frodo Baggins
Tom Cruise as Aragorn son of Arathorn
Sean Connery as Gandalf the Grey
Adam Sandler as Sam Gamgee
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon as Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took
Bruce Willis as Boromir of Gondor
Leo DiCaprio as Legolas Greenleaf
Danny DeVito as Gimli son of Gloin
Harrison Ford as Elrond Half-Elven
Catherine Zeta-Jones as Arwen Undomiel
Cameron Diaz as Lady Galadriel
Russell Crowe as Lord Celeborn
George Clooney as Haldir of Lorien
Jim Carrey as Gollum
Clint Eastwood as Saruman the White
Mike Myers as Grima Wormtongue
Brad Pitt as Eomer son of Eomund
Mel Gibson as Theoden King
Jennifer Lopez as The Lady Eowyn
Keanu Reeves as Faramir of Gondor
Jack Nicholson as Denethor the Steward
Tom Hanks as Bilbo Baggins
Drew Barrymore as Rosie Cotton
Anne Bancroft as Lobelia Sackville-Baggins
Robin Williams as Tom Bombadil
Meg Ryan as Goldberry
Christopher Walken as The Witch-King of Angmar
Tim Allen as The Mouth of Sauron
The Rock as Lurtz
Peter Falk as The Dark Lord Sauron

And of course, Arnold Schwarznegger as The Balrog


The three films would have three different directors, because a project that took that long couldn't go without a changeover in personnel.

The Fellowship of the Ring, directed by Joel Schumacher
The Two Towers, directed by Michael Bay
and
The Return of the King, directed by Steven Spielberg


Of course, the music would be by John Williams, and the costumes by whoever did Legend.


Edited to reflect some terribly clever suggestions by readers. Thanks!

Comments

[faida-sen.livejournal.com]

Saw this link on the WoN list and now am torn between peeing my pants with laughter and shrieking in horror.

Ben Affleck and Matt Damon as Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took: Aaugh! It burnss, it burnsess!

Thanks for reminding us why we should be thankful this project ended up in the right hands. =D

[http://users.livejournal.com/sulla_/]

Nightmare! Ashton Kutcher? Jennifer Lopez? Joel Schumacher? John Williams?

*shudders*

Thanks for posting this btw, t'was entertaining =)

[danachan.livejournal.com]

*breaks something laughing*

It hurts but it's oh so good.

*scrambles off to pimp the link in her journal*

Many thanks!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Pimp away! I'd love for this one to get around. It'll make a lot of people a hell of a lot more grateful for dear PJ. :)

[ajodasso.livejournal.com]

Actually, for EowynFromHell, my money'd be on Meg Ryan.

[voontah.livejournal.com]

That is horrifying! And sadly, I can picture it. I may need some bleach and a scrub brush to get it out of my brain.

[(Anonymous)]

When of course everyone knows Brad Pitt should have been cast as Theodred (http://www.livejournal.com/allpics.bml?user=theodred). ;)

[apoetneedspain.livejournal.com]

*randomly pouts at you*

I LIKE John Williams.

*POUT*

I actually thought of Meg

[serai1.livejournal.com]

But she doesn't have the right vibe. Eowyn needs a hard-bitten iciness to her at first, and I don't see that in Meg. Besides, JLo's done a number of films where she plays a babe who kicks ass but longs for a man. And she looks so cheesy in blonde hair!

Theodred's dead, though

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Actors don't normally like to play dead. They feel it limits their range. *snort*

[ajodasso.livejournal.com]

My fault is, I'm trying to think of actresses I'm accustomed to seeing blonde. My other thought was Uma Thurman.

You're welcome!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

I'll be giving thanks for PJ for the rest of my days, I think.

Heehee! Matt and Ben, can't you just see it?

Hey, where's my pipeweed?
You're asking me? Didn't you pack it?
If I remembered, would I ask you, asshole?
Hey, fuck you, Took.

(A couple of miles later...)

Hey, we got any mushrooms left?
Mushrooms? The weed's not enough, you need mushrooms now?
To eat, jagoff. I'm hungry.
When are you ever not hungry?
Hey, blow me, Brandybuck.

Re: You're welcome!

[willow-wode.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I think I would pay good money to see Dom and Billy do this dialogue...

These are fabulous, Serai!

*snickeringly confesses that she would also pay money to see Jack Nicholson do Denethor...*

Eek! Uma!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

She was actually considered for Galadriel, you know. Back when the project was still at Miramax. And Ethan for Celeborn. The mind boggles.

[ajodasso.livejournal.com]

Gaaaaah. I didn't know that.

[archerlass.livejournal.com]

I think Joel Schumacher would have kept in Tom Bombadil and he would have cast Robin Williams.
;-)

Re: You're welcome!

[faida-sen.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

That almost makes me wish those two would do one of those profanity-laced MTV Movie Awards-style sketches of what Merry and Pip got up to in Fangorn. Almost. LOL!

Re: You're welcome!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Oh man. Wouldn't that be hysterical? I'd see it as an older version of his character in The Shining. Remember how he slid down that slippery slope into madness? Oh, the Pyre of Denethor scene, Jack hamming it up to the nth degree, roaring at Gandalf in his best Jack-Torrance-possessed-by-demons voice! It would be Velveeta heaven!

EEEEKKK!!!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Perfect!! I shall add that immediately! Many thanks!

*sputter*

[jewelsong.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!!!

The horror!!!!

Re: You're welcome!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

And of course, Ashton and Adam react to the bickering:

Frodo (whispers to Sam): Dude, those two are giving me a headache.

Sam (turning around): Hey, if you don't shut up, my frying pan's gonna get two more dents in it!

safe! safe!

[strangerian.livejournal.com]

We're perfectly safe from this kind of travesty, since none of these people would dare be associated with a small-appeal cult project based on a book.

(Actually, I slander a couple of the names above -- Sean Connery as Agamemnon lighting up the screen in Time Bandits is a cherished memory -- but not many...)

Is Peter Jackson going to live in a hobbit hole forever more, or does he have future plans?

Re: safe! safe!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Oh heck yes. He's starting pre-production on King Kong even as he finishes up LOTR.

Re: safe! safe!

[strangerian.livejournal.com]

With Sarah Michelle Geller as Fay Wray (did the hapless damsel in 1933 ever have a name?) and Schwarzenegger as Kong?

Re: Theodred's dead, though

[(Anonymous)]

Huh, then they need to take stage acting. Oh the tragic death scenes I've done/seen done where it's the death that gets the crowd!