Hollywood meets Hobbiton

[serai]

My excellent good friend Cat and I were chatting today, and we were wondering what LOTR would be like if the cast were all Hollywood A-List performers. Perhaps a concept others have tackled before, but we had fun with it.

So here's our cast listing for the epic three-part Lord of the Rings, as packaged by CAA and William Morris...



Lord of the Rings - The Cast From Hell

Ashton Kutcher as Frodo Baggins
Tom Cruise as Aragorn son of Arathorn
Sean Connery as Gandalf the Grey
Adam Sandler as Sam Gamgee
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon as Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took
Bruce Willis as Boromir of Gondor
Leo DiCaprio as Legolas Greenleaf
Danny DeVito as Gimli son of Gloin
Harrison Ford as Elrond Half-Elven
Catherine Zeta-Jones as Arwen Undomiel
Cameron Diaz as Lady Galadriel
Russell Crowe as Lord Celeborn
George Clooney as Haldir of Lorien
Jim Carrey as Gollum
Clint Eastwood as Saruman the White
Mike Myers as Grima Wormtongue
Brad Pitt as Eomer son of Eomund
Mel Gibson as Theoden King
Jennifer Lopez as The Lady Eowyn
Keanu Reeves as Faramir of Gondor
Jack Nicholson as Denethor the Steward
Tom Hanks as Bilbo Baggins
Drew Barrymore as Rosie Cotton
Anne Bancroft as Lobelia Sackville-Baggins
Robin Williams as Tom Bombadil
Meg Ryan as Goldberry
Christopher Walken as The Witch-King of Angmar
Tim Allen as The Mouth of Sauron
The Rock as Lurtz
Peter Falk as The Dark Lord Sauron

And of course, Arnold Schwarznegger as The Balrog


The three films would have three different directors, because a project that took that long couldn't go without a changeover in personnel.

The Fellowship of the Ring, directed by Joel Schumacher
The Two Towers, directed by Michael Bay
and
The Return of the King, directed by Steven Spielberg


Of course, the music would be by John Williams, and the costumes by whoever did Legend.


Edited to reflect some terribly clever suggestions by readers. Thanks!

Comments

[faida-sen.livejournal.com]

Saw this link on the WoN list and now am torn between peeing my pants with laughter and shrieking in horror.

Ben Affleck and Matt Damon as Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took: Aaugh! It burnss, it burnsess!

Thanks for reminding us why we should be thankful this project ended up in the right hands. =D

You're welcome!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

I'll be giving thanks for PJ for the rest of my days, I think.

Heehee! Matt and Ben, can't you just see it?

Hey, where's my pipeweed?
You're asking me? Didn't you pack it?
If I remembered, would I ask you, asshole?
Hey, fuck you, Took.

(A couple of miles later...)

Hey, we got any mushrooms left?
Mushrooms? The weed's not enough, you need mushrooms now?
To eat, jagoff. I'm hungry.
When are you ever not hungry?
Hey, blow me, Brandybuck.

[http://users.livejournal.com/sulla_/]

Nightmare! Ashton Kutcher? Jennifer Lopez? Joel Schumacher? John Williams?

*shudders*

Thanks for posting this btw, t'was entertaining =)

[apoetneedspain.livejournal.com]

*randomly pouts at you*

I LIKE John Williams.

*POUT*

[danachan.livejournal.com]

*breaks something laughing*

It hurts but it's oh so good.

*scrambles off to pimp the link in her journal*

Many thanks!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Pimp away! I'd love for this one to get around. It'll make a lot of people a hell of a lot more grateful for dear PJ. :)

[ajodasso.livejournal.com]

Actually, for EowynFromHell, my money'd be on Meg Ryan.

I actually thought of Meg

[serai1.livejournal.com]

But she doesn't have the right vibe. Eowyn needs a hard-bitten iciness to her at first, and I don't see that in Meg. Besides, JLo's done a number of films where she plays a babe who kicks ass but longs for a man. And she looks so cheesy in blonde hair!

[voontah.livejournal.com]

That is horrifying! And sadly, I can picture it. I may need some bleach and a scrub brush to get it out of my brain.

[(Anonymous)]

When of course everyone knows Brad Pitt should have been cast as Theodred (http://www.livejournal.com/allpics.bml?user=theodred). ;)

Theodred's dead, though

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Actors don't normally like to play dead. They feel it limits their range. *snort*

[archerlass.livejournal.com]

I think Joel Schumacher would have kept in Tom Bombadil and he would have cast Robin Williams.
;-)

EEEEKKK!!!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Perfect!! I shall add that immediately! Many thanks!

*sputter*

[jewelsong.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!!!

The horror!!!!

safe! safe!

[strangerian.livejournal.com]

We're perfectly safe from this kind of travesty, since none of these people would dare be associated with a small-appeal cult project based on a book.

(Actually, I slander a couple of the names above -- Sean Connery as Agamemnon lighting up the screen in Time Bandits is a cherished memory -- but not many...)

Is Peter Jackson going to live in a hobbit hole forever more, or does he have future plans?

Re: safe! safe!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Oh heck yes. He's starting pre-production on King Kong even as he finishes up LOTR.

Hmmmmmmmmmm............

[josanpq.livejournal.com]

Sad shake of Writer's head: You are very very unwell.

(But then she hurries to foward the url to other 'unwells' who will enjoy this. >

Re: Hmmmmmmmmmm............

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Yes, I am. Very. These films have driven me quite insane.

Thanks for the pimpage! The more the merrier, as they say. :D

Doing my bit...

[westmoon.livejournal.com]

To pass this along. Too funny (and all too frighteningly plausible as well).

Re: Doing my bit...

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Many thanks! Glad you like it, and hope your friends will.

Love your icon, by the way. Frodo...eyes...smile...*sigh* ;)

[sami406.livejournal.com]

wow one expensive movie

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Heehee! No kidding! After paying all those salaries, they'd have about $37.50 left for the rest of the film. They've have to make Orthanc out of popsicle sticks and duct tape!

[batyatoon]

Leo DiCaprio as Legolas Greenleaf


...This I could actually see not-sucking.


Insofar as Anyone Other Than Orlando Bloom in the part could possibly not-suck.

[maedbh7.livejournal.com]

Just tried to watch the film after having read this. You are evil! A curse on your wicked humor: may there be more of it. -H...

[peregrinpip.livejournal.com]

NO!!!! *runs around screaming*
I have mental pictures! I have mental pictures!!!

*proceeds to send a lovely fruit basket and her firstborn to PJ*

[the-gwenzilliad.livejournal.com]

With Ben and Matt as Merry and Pippin, I can't get the idea of Jay and Silent Bob as Frodo and Sam out of my head.

SAM (to Galadriel): Hey, so if I take this ring and throw it into the fires of Mount Doom, will you fuck me?

BWAHAHAHAHAH....*choke*

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's really funny. Too bad Kevin and Jason aren't A-List. But the thought is deeply hysterical. Perhaps we'll work up an Indie Cast for LOTR, as well.

Then I could cast my first choice for Gollum - Steve Buscemi!!

[sdelmonte]

I like a lot of the actors on the list. I like Spielberg. It wouldn't have been the same film, but after the flaws of the second film, maybe it would not be so bad.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

You're missing the point. It's not the presence of any one actor that makes this The Cast From Hell. It's all of them together. A Velveeta Overdose.

And I'm sorry, but after that A.I. travesty, Spielberg's got a long row to hoe to earn my forgiveness. And there's no way I'd ever let him get his hands on ROTK. The Grey Havens would become an orgy of schmaltz within 20 minutes of the script falling into his hands!

[sdavido.livejournal.com]

I saw your list of directors, and all I could think was: Hobbit costumes with nipples. Oy.

[thereallyle.livejournal.com]

Someone pimped this on my Tolkien-DarkFic list. Appropriate, huh?∫

[oliviaramirez]

I have seen this before but it doesn't fail to make me laugh. Some of the suggestions on that list are too horrendous to consider. Tom Cruise as Aragorn? Good god almighty, the mind boggles!

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry, but Keanu Reeves is already cast as Elladan + Elrohir.

Signed:

Schuhmacher, Bay, Spielberg

[modesty-blaise.livejournal.com]

Sweet Viggo! I really wanna see that version now!

OI!

[skywalkr-kenobi.livejournal.com]

Thank the VALAR that its not like that. That would...suck...

[yonmei.livejournal.com]

Tom Cruise as Aragorn son of Arathorn

*snicker*

Sean Connery as Gandalf the Grey

*whimper* oh god, Gandalf with a Scottish accent and the Eyebrows of Doom...

Leo DiCaprio as Legolas Greenleaf
Danny DeVito as Gimli son of Gloin

You are bad! Very, very bad!

Harrison Ford as Elrond Half-Elven

Oh, dear god, wipe out my brain!

Jim Carrey as Gollum

*swallows tongue*

Clint Eastwood as Saruman the White
Mike Myers as Grima Wormtongue

*smurfle*!

Keanu Reeves as Faramir of Gondor
Jack Nicholson as Denethor the Steward

Oh God! "Here's... daddy!"

Tom Hanks as Bilbo Baggins

*snigger*

Robin Williams as Tom Bombadil
Meg Ryan as Goldberry

*whimpers* *dies*

And of course, Arnold Schwarznegger as The Balrog

No, no, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Gandalf! Instead of "Fly, you fools!"... "I'll be back!"

Thanks to this post, I now have a laugh-induced hernia

[ltsk.livejournal.com]

Came over here due to my love of your Electric Company icon, stayed to poke around a bit, wound up laughing my arse off at this list. Can't really point out a "favorite," but JLo as Eowyn had me shaking with laughter/fear (of distaster averted). Cheers!

[ltsk.livejournal.com]

::is shamed by lack of ability to type::