I don't care about anything anymore

[serai]

I really don't. What's the point? It's just day after day and week after week and month after month and year after year. All in a long line marching onward like fucking ants and it never goes anywhere. I just spin my wheels and keep going, hanging on 'til the end of each day when I can go to sleep and forget about my fucking stupid wasted life. I'm no fucking good for anything, all I do is take up space and bother people. My only comfort is in hoping it won't last too long before I can just go to sleep for good. At least then it'll all be over.

Comments

[elderberrywine.livejournal.com]

Ah, there you are. I was worried, hadn't seen anything from you in ever so long.

And what's up with this "wasted life" shit? Life can be annoying, it can be boring, it can be painful, it can be downright agonizing, but it is never wasted.

*is all concerned*

[serai1.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear yours isn't. Can't say the same for mine.

[westmoon.livejournal.com]

I've been wondering too.

Talk to us!

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Not that much to say. Got handed a life that obviously should have gone to someone else, someone who could actually do something with it, and the idea of slogging through another 30-40 years is unbearably bleak.

[blackbird-song.livejournal.com]

I, too, had been wondering where you've been. I'm sorry that life is like this for you, right now. I don't know you well enough to know what's going on in your life, but what you describe here reminds me exactly of the clinical depression I went through years back. I would urge you to look into that, if you either haven't or weren't taken seriously if you did.

As for a wasted life, I'm sorry if you feel that way about yours, but I can say with authority that there are many out here who view your life as very, very valuable. Obviously, I do not know your family or friends outside of LotR fandom, but if you are admired by so many good people and talented writers in a group that attracts gifted, intelligent, thoughtful people, there must be worth in your life and the work you do within that circle, at the very least.

This culture is very good at making people feel as horrid as possible about themselves and life. That we can do that to each other is a crime against everything I hold sacred or worthwhile. I choose to fight that cold viciousness very hard, despite the fact that I could easily fall into it, both by training and temperament. I hope that you will continue to be part of this world, as it will be much the worse without you, and your loss to those of us who know you, even just a little, would be terrible.

Catherine

Thanks, but

[serai1.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, since I'm poor, looking into any kind of medical thing is completely out of the question. Besides, I hardly need some busybody therapist with a piece of paper and a swanky office to tell me what I already know. I've known for years that I fall into depressions - doesn't make it any less true that my life is basically useless. It's nice that I manage to amuse a few people now and then, but in the end it doesn't matter. None of it matters.

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

I've been in that hole. It hurts and it stinks, and honest truth? It's time to call the Samaritans or someone else to help you get out of it again. Because as bad as it seems right now, your life isn't worthless, and it isn't wasted. If you feel like you're really sliding that bad, then look up a suicide prevention hotline number and talk to someone, even if you don't feel actively suicidal. Tonight. Just talking at someone can help. Some of 'em are better than others, but I've never talked to a volunteer on one of those lines yet who wasn't willing to listen no matter how hard I was crying.

http://suicidehotlines.com/california.html

http://depression.about.com/library/hotlines/blcc4.htm

[serai1.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but I just can't stand the thought of taking up someone's time with my problems. I've called a number like that before, and it just felt awkward and uncomfortable to me dumping my shit on a stranger like that. Yeah, I know I'm doing it here, but at least here people have the option to ignore me if they feel like it. And I didn't end up feeling any better anyway.

I don't know what to do. I hate the idea of another 30-40 years in this skin.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

I meant I didnt' feel any better after calling that number.

[trilliah.livejournal.com]

Then talk to US. Talk to people you know, if you don't feel comfortable talking to a stranger.

You've posted about your frustrations, which would seem to indicate you've a hope it might aleviate them if you could talk about them.

so talk. we listen.

[serai1.livejournal.com]

No, honestly talking about it doesn't make it better. Like a bandaid, it just covers up the problem. Maybe I'll stop crying, but I'll still know what I know. Nothing changes the underlying pain. It's always been there.

I don't really know why I posted here. Act of desperation, maybe.

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

You're not taking up someone's time. The people manning those lines are there because they want to be, and when you don't call, all they're doing is playing solitaire. Think of it as giving them something interesting to do. If you don't believe me, call them and ask why they're there. And it isn't a matter of feeling "better", it's blowing off the steam and maybe getting just enough to face the next day.

Suicide is the gift that keeps on giving. My uncle killed himself before I was born. I'm nearly fifty now and my mother cannot remember him without pain even yet. It will hurt someone, bitterly, if you kill yourself, even if it's just the poor soul who finds you afterwards. In my uncle's case it was his son, who killed himself four years ago in turn.

Change your life if that's what it takes. Volunteer for the Peace Corps. Apply to be a firefighter. Do something active, even dangerous, if it's something that helps people along the way. It'll make a difference in your life too. And if you can't work up the energy to do that, then go see a shrink and get help. Psychoactive drugs aren't a favorite of mine, but they're a helluva effective bandage to get you through the worst part of the crisis.

[danachan.livejournal.com]

I'm always wondering about when I'll go to sleep and not wake up. Sometimes, I hope it happens soon. Other times, not so soon. All I have is a life that isn't going anywhere, which is probably my fault as much as it is life itself -- how could it not be my fault? And I haven't the money to get any serious sort of help -- I don't even have medical insurance, which would be some sort of help, right?

All this means is that you're not alone, and I don't know if you want to hear that, but here it is. And if all you can do about how you feel is talk about it with the people online, who care about you, pour out what you can and know that they'll be here to listen, answer if you want them to, and bolster you up when they can. That's one of the things I've lately learned. It took me a while. But there are people here who care about me, and there are people here who care about you. Take advantage of that. Because it wouldn't be something you could take advantage of, if the people weren't willing. I don't know if it's the sort of thing you want to read, but oh well, here it is. Take it as you will.

And that's my babble. I have to go to work now. *hugs*

[notabluemaia.livejournal.com]

Beautiful Serai - you are woven into the fabric of this community and our hearts and to lose you would rend a tear that could never be mended. You matter - and for many of us here, just such despondency and sense of 'not mattering' are also part of our life cycles. Perhaps it is the underbelly of seeing a flawed world and our flawed selves clearly and with imagination. ('Endurance Without Hope' speaks deeply... and 'Hope Unending' is a condition much to be desired...)

Talk to us. Hear the love and caring expressed here. Hear that we are here.

Talk to a hotline - Rabidsamfan speaks wisdom (again). Please.

Please.

[rakshi.livejournal.com]

I am heartbroken that you don't realize the good that you do... the good that you ARE. I wish I knew some way to reach you and let you know that the things you've done, not only for me, but for so many.. will NEVER die. The glow from them will last always.

I wish you'd call me.. or even come and visit. Sounds like you need some time with someone who recoginzes your worth and isn't afraid to tell you about it.

I love you, sweetie.. and I'm here for you in any way I can be. Please let us know that you're ok. We're all worried about you. I'll be sending every kind of light and love.