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Thirteen Observations made by Lemony Snicket while watching Occupy Wall Street from a Discreet Distance


1. If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn’t mean you would be a midget if you were bald.

2. “Fortune” is a word for having a lot of money and for having a lot of luck, but that does not mean the word has two definitions.

3. Money is like a child—rarely unaccompanied. When it disappears, look to those who were supposed to be keeping an eye on it while you were at the grocery store. You might also look for someone who has a lot of extra children sitting around, with long, suspicious explanations for how they got there.

4. People who say money doesn’t matter are like people who say cake doesn’t matter—it’s probably because they’ve already had a few slices.

5. There may not be a reason to share your cake. It is, after all, yours. You probably baked it yourself, in an oven of your own construction with ingredients you harvested yourself. It may be possible to keep your entire cake while explaining to any nearby hungry people just how reasonable you are.

6. Nobody wants to fall into a safety net, because it means the structure in which they’ve been living is in a state of collapse and they have no choice but to tumble downwards. However, it beats the alternative.

7. Someone feeling wronged is like someone feeling thirsty. Don’t tell them they aren’t. Sit with them and have a drink.

8. Don’t ask yourself if something is fair. Ask someone else—a stranger in the street, for example.

9. People gathering in the streets feeling wronged tend to be loud, as it is difficult to make oneself heard on the other side of an impressive edifice.

10. It is not always the job of people shouting outside impressive buildings to solve problems. It is often the job of the people inside, who have paper, pens, desks, and an impressive view.

11. Historically, a story about people inside impressive buildings ignoring or even taunting people standing outside shouting at them turns out to be a story with an unhappy ending.

12. If you have a large crowd shouting outside your building, there might not be room for a safety net if you’re the one tumbling down when it collapses.

13. 99 percent is a very large percentage. For instance, easily 99 percent of people want a roof over their heads, food on their tables, and the occasional slice of cake for dessert. Surely an arrangement can be made with that niggling 1 percent who disagree.

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First it was The Rocky Horror Picture Show.


Okay, I can sort of see why MTV'd want to remake that. Lots of music, dancing and kinky sex. Although I fully expect them to water it down, because let's face it, these days the media has an allergy to the kind of thing that RHPS so enthusiastically celebrated.


Then it was The Prisoner.


This one rankles me more. Hollywood has this bizarre notion that if you take something old and repackage it in shiny paper, somehow it'll be "better". But the problem is that slapping some CGI on a thing doesn't make it better; often the new style of FX actually ruins a story. In this case, the gods only know what computer-generated idiocy they'll come up with to replace that...white ball. There's no way they'll ever be able to top the fucking NIGHTMARES that thing gave me, and it wasn't even a special effect! It was just a goddamn rubber ball! A perfect example of imagination trumping big bucks, an idea that passed Hollywood by decades ago.

(Alright, it's going to have McKellen in it. But I'm sorry, that's not enough to make up for the STUPID idea of remaking it in the first place. Don't get me started on Jim "Messiah Complex" Caviezel, either...)


But this fucking beats them all.


The Three Stooges? Really?

I mean, I know the Farrelly Brothers are hacks who make their money off poop and fart jokes (without even the articulate snark of a Kevin Smith for balance), but this is just pathetic. How in the WORLD could anyone imagine this could work, given that the original series of shorts were created for an act that had already earned their name on the stage as vaudevillians? In other words, they weren't actors played scripted roles - they were comedians who'd developed their own characters which were then accommodated in the scripts they created for their short subjects. The idea of casting other guys to play them is...beyond moronic. Christ on a cracker, what next? The Tale of the Lonely Repairman, starring that Maytag guy?


Hey, Hollywood! If you're going to make silly movies based on old entertainment characters, how about a film version of The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers? I know a whole LOT of people who'd love to see that one. You could get Seth Rogen to play Fat Freedie, Jeff Goldblum to play Phineas, and Sam Elliott to play Freewheelin' Franklin. (He's got the mustache for it.) You'd have to do a talent search for Fat Freddy's Cat, but I'm sure there's an unknonwn out there who'd ace the part.

Now, THAT I'd pay to go see.

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From the AP wire:

Exotic dancer set on fire outside LA nightclub



Feb 5th, 2009 | LOS ANGELES -- An exotic dancer was set on fire outside the nightclub where she worked early Thursday, burning more than 60 percent of her body, police said. They were searching for two suspects.

A woman and a man called the 27-year-old dancer outside around 1 a.m. and then doused her with a flammable liquid next to the Babes & Beer sports club in the San Fernando Valley, police said.

Police identified the suspects as Rianne Celine Theriault-Odom, 27, and Nathaniel Marquis Petrillo, 22, both frequent patrons of the club. They were being sought for investigation of attempted murder, police said.

"Given the condition of this victim, they may be responsible for ultimately her murder," Deputy Chief Michel Moore said. "This is a terrible, terrible attack."

Moore said the dancer, a mother of two, was in grave condition after being burned over more than 60 percent of her body. Her identity was not immediately released.

A message left at the club was not immediately returned.


What, are we living in fucking Pakistan now? I mean, WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE???